To pay off a debt, an infamous bounty hunter is forced into an unlikely alliance with a young, bookish girl to track down the legendary fortune of an ancient galactic civilization.
mac17Penpusher
To pay off a debt, an infamous bounty hunter is forced into an unlikely alliance with a young, bookish girl to track down the legendary fortune of an ancient galactic civilization.
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You should make the connection between the debt and the bookish girl a little stronger.
Also a ticking time clock would be perfect for this situation.
Finally you should give us the stakes. What happens if he fails.
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“When an ?interstellar mob boss gives him one week to pay off his debt or lose his spaceship. an infamous bounty hunter must work with a bookish galactic archaeologist to track down the legendary fortune of an ancient galactic civilization, all while staying one step of the space police.”
FWIW: ?Reverse the casting. ?Make the bounty hunter a female, an interstellar Furiosa forced to join forces with a geeky nebbish.
Absolving himself means the story’s plot connects to the past, whereas most successful films have a plot with a forward motion towards the achievement of a goal in the future. More so absolving himself deals with an internal process which holds no stakes over the present or future.
I think the concept, not just the logline, needs adjusting, and I agree with what Richeive wrote – it needs clear immediate stakes and a clear objective outer goal.
>>>I was inspired by films such as Indiana Jones, and…
That’s what came to mind when I read the logline: ?Indiana Jones in space. ? However, ?one plot plus element in the Indiana Jones franchise that I don’t see in ?this story is a?rival for the “McGuffin”, Albert Hitchcock’s term for the thing that everyone in the story wants.
In “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “The Temple of Doom”, Nazis were pursuing the same object as Indiana. ?In “The Temple of Doom” his objective goal is to reclaim a sacred rock stolen by a secret cult.
I suggest that the dramatic tension in your story needs to be ratched up by a rival for the legendary fortune. ?The story needs to have someone who wants it as badly as the bounty hunter does — but, like the Nazis in the Indiana Jones franchise, ?wants it for some evil purpose.