To regain his status in the high ranks of the order after a shameful ban, an arrogant, yet talented sorcerer sets off to hunt one of the most vicious rebels in the realm.

I suggest that “a member of the ruling forces”? isn’t personal enough. But it’s your story.

Also, I suggest the logline should indicate that? initially it’s an unfair fight in favor of the antagonist.? That is, the outlaw has to be more than vicious, he has to possess some? sorcerer-like powers and skills?of his own, ?that are even more potent than those sorcerer.? The odds must overwhelmingly be against the sorcerer.?? Otherwise, there’s no meaningful suspense.

Again, hearkening back to the template of the Star Wars saga:? Luke (and now Rey in the reboot of the franchise) initially go up against villains far more skilled in the use of the Force than they are.?? They must learn under duress — fast.

I don’t get that sense that the odds are overwhelmingly against the sorcerer.? The outlaw may be vicious? – but that doesn’t mean he has greater powers to prevail against those of the sorcerer.? My sense is that the odds? seem to be initially in favor of the sorcerer.? So what is the factor in the fight that creates suspense?

So what have these? actually done in the realm that makes them the?”most vicious”??? I suggest that needs more specificity.

More specifically, what injustice have they committed against the sorcerer?? ?What is a direct causal link between their evil deeds and the life of the sorcerer — the inciting incident, if you will –?that motivates him to hunt them down??? I suggest making the motivation for his hunt personal as well as communal.? Like they killed his family, or have kidnapped a love one (a sister or the woman he loves, hopes to marry).

Again, consider? “Star Wars: A New Hope”.??Young Luke is not ignorant of the war between the?Empire and the Rebel Alliance, but it’s not his fight — he has no skin in the game.? So he’s not motivated to overcome his own doubts and apprehension and answer Obi-Wan’s call.? And then his uncle and aunt are killed.

Now it’s personal.? Now he’s motivated.? Now it’s a motivation the audience can relate to.

What is the strongest possible motive for the young man to?go from being a sorcerer to being a warrior??? They’re different roles with different skill sets.? Would it not be the case that just because he’s got the right stuff to be a sorcerer? it doesn’t mean those capabilities?also mean?he’s got the right stuff to be a warrior?

fwiw

>?he goes against a very strong opponent, so basically him going against the rebel.

As I indicated earlier, I have a problem with his motivation being to exalt himself rather than save his community. Audiences root for characters who are selfless — not selfish.? So I suggest deleting any reference to gaining or regaining his status.

Which is not to say, that in the story proper he can’t start out on his heroic struggle imperfectly motivated — that could be his character arc, growing internally to where he overcomes his arrogance, does the right thing for the right reason.?

But loglines are about external,?objective?issues not internal, subjective?issues.? Loglines are about what a character needs to do? with his life — his agon (struggle) –not about what wisdom?he needs to learn about??life (ethos).?? The? ethos is apprehended (finally) and embraced as an unintended consequence of an intentional struggle.

It seems to me that describing him as arrogant is sufficient –that’s his character flaw, right?? ?Implicit in the character flaw is the character arc, the journey to?the ?opposite:? humility.

>>>I wanted to use the word ?unexpericend? but I thought it was a bad idea

How about “apprentice sorcerer”?

>>This here is going to be a Golden Fleece,

Okay — but all we have to go on is the logline, and I see no hint of that in the logline. In a “Golden Fleece” story, the hero must team up and go on a dangerous journey?to obtain a valuable object. ?In your logline, the sorcerer is going after bad people — not a valuable object.

>>>rebel really has a cause,but that?s spoilers

A logline should advertise the strongest selling point — aka “hook”. ?What is it for this story? ?That the kid going after rebels or that’s he’s doing it for a cause?? What is the story really about? As Blake Snyder might?inquire (were he still in the land of living):?? Are you sure you’re not hiding the game ball?? (See “Saved the Cat! Strikes Back”, p11)

Also, if the sorcerer is so talented, why was he banned??? Maybe he has raw talent but he did have the patience to take the time to develop it.? His arrogance?led to him overreach, going beyond what he had the training and discipline to do — or control — with disastrous consequences for his tribe or clan.

What’s his character arc??The saga of?Luke Skywalker? didn’t begin with him as a?cunning, let alone confident (certainly not arrogant) Jedi.? He was a diamond in the rough who needed cutting and polishing.? He had to learn, grow.? He need mentors.

IOW: he had to take a Hero’s Journey– that’s the mythical-dramatic template that would seem to suited to the scenario in this logline.?? (If you’re not familiar with it, google the phrase.? If you are familiar with the Hero’s Journey then I suggest your concept might benefit from a makeover with it in mind.)

fwiw

I’m concerned about the sorcerer’s?motivation: it’s all about him.??His motives are purely selfish.??? When a more sympathetic motive would be that he must hunt down the vicious rebel to save his people or?maybe? someone the rebel has kidnapped– instead of merely save his pride.?? Who cares, who wants to care, about an arrogant character who is only thinking and acting for himself?