CROWD CONTROL
sterling scriptsPenpusher
Trouble occurs in the casino night clubs. Tough men and one woman are hired to control the crowds. Can they control themselves?
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A logline usually includes a lead character, an inciting incident, a goal for the lead, and someone or something standing in their way.
I can’t tell from your logline, who’s the lead character, what they want, what’s standing in their way or who’s the antagonist, as a result this seems more like a tag line than a logline.
Following the story a bouncer in a casino sounds like an interesting premise, I believe a good logline will be able to sell it the premise.
Hope that helped, good luck with this.
thanks. i just read a long article by a film producer. he looks at inktip regularly. he says that the best log lines … well, here’s his quote….”Learn to be as brief as possible….” Here’s two of his best read log lines: 1. Independence Day – Aliens try to invade earth on Independence Day. 2. Liar, Liar – An attorney, because of a birthday wish, can’t tell any lies for 24 hours. after reading his very lengthy article, I’m going to change mine to one liners. I now agree with him…brief, be brief. what do you think? i’ll forward the article if you are interested.
Sure, forward the article. Can you see my e-mail from the directory? (not sure if you can or not)
your email is not there. here’s mine: sdawnbrown811olgaolha i’ll forward the article to you.
If that’s the plan, definitely drop the opening line (trouble occurs in the casino night clubs). Because, as far as narrative drama goes, trouble happens anywhere, and you’re just wasting word count.
The key to those other loglines is that their hook is quite strong; an invasion on independence day, or a lawyer who can’t lie. A trio of bouncers who can’t control themselves (what does that mean) is not the same level of a hook. So if you want to one line to work, you’ll have to beef the hell out of that hook.
What nicholasandrewhalls says.
>>Can they control themselves?
At best, it’s a neutral, at worst, a negative goal. The protagonist (and who is that?) needs to accomplish something more than slam the brakes on his/her emotions. There needs to be a positive, tangible goal as well.