Penpusher
Posted: 2015-10-29T02:12:31+10:00 In:

Trying to escape from his criminal past, a neurotic fixer must cover up his connection to a recently discovered stash of body parts, all while battling his own grisly hallucinations.

Trying to escape from his criminal past, a neurotic fixer must cover up his connection to a recently discovered stash of body parts, all while battling his own grisly hallucinations.
Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    3 Reviews

    1. Mentor

      I like the main character, but I think there is a lack of logic: how can the fixer fail? is this his first mission maybe? or someone is setting him up?
      Is the fixer a perfectionist, so why does he fail? Is the fixer a clown, so why mafia hired him?

      • 0
    2. Singularity

      Well, his character flaw is obvious enough: he’s so careless? that body parts are not only discovered — but traced back to him.

      One problem I have with the premise is the issue of emotional investment:? why should I care about what happens to him?- How can I care?? He’s not legally or morally absolved: he’s an accessory to the murders.

      I might care for him if he’s not just trying to escape, not get caught for his bad deeds — but he’s trying to redeem himself.?? But how?? How can he right the wrongs he has been an accessory to, an enabler of?? It seems to me he’s got to be battling more than hallucinations?? What about his conscience?

      fwiw

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      The structure of a logline should ideally imitate the structure of the plot in the resulting script – inciting incident, main character + flaw then goal. Try re-positioning the discovery of the body parts at the beginning of the logline? then define the MC and describe his goal.

      The line about trying to escape from his criminal past can be cut because it doesn’t contribute to a better understanding of the plot all it does it describe the MC as remorseful perhaps just change it to that and let the reader understand what you mean.

      Secondly best to define him better tan fixer because it is a slang type description that may be miss understood by some. Most importantly of all though, the logline needs a clear goal for the MC, how does the audience know beyond a doubt that he has covered up his connection to the body parts? What is the obvious visual that will tell the audience just that? Also how will the audience know he has changed as a person?

      E.g:
      After the discovery of his most recent victims a remorseful mafia henchman must incriminate the mob boss to prevent any further deaths.

      Hope this helps.

      • 0