Revenge Impossible
Twenty-year-old vindictive Johnny leaves the reform school, forms a one man army with nature's creatures, and avenges his parents' assassins, the last one being the head of state with impregnable security.
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I noted your comments and will moderate the logline.Thanks.
I noted your comments and will moderate the logline.Thanks.
I am from India.Anybody interested to join me in polishing and Americanizing the script as our English is a little different.Thanks
I am from India.Anybody interested to join me in polishing and Americanizing the script as our English is a little different.Thanks
You don’t need to include your protag’s name. Unless the protag is a famous person, character names are meaningless and tend to clutter the logline.
Better to use a descriptive noun and a well-chosen adjective. This will make the character clearer and the logline more succinct:
“A rebellious juvenile delinquent forms a one man army with nature’s creatures to avenge his parents death at the hands of corrupt assassins, one of whom is a head of state with impregnable security.”
You don’t need to include your protag’s name. Unless the protag is a famous person, character names are meaningless and tend to clutter the logline.
Better to use a descriptive noun and a well-chosen adjective. This will make the character clearer and the logline more succinct:
“A rebellious juvenile delinquent forms a one man army with nature’s creatures to avenge his parents death at the hands of corrupt assassins, one of whom is a head of state with impregnable security.”
It sounds like the way in which he will avenge his parents (“…forms a one man army with nature’s creatures…”) is a part of your plot that doesn’t need to be in the logline. What is important and should stay in the logline is that he will seek revenge not how he will do so.
“Twenty-year-old vindictive…” seams a redundant description it is made clear that Johnny is young because he is in the reform school. Also it is made clear he is vindictive by his main action (“…avenges his parents…”) so best to use this precious logline real estate for a simpler necessary description preferably one that would describe his flaw.
Hope this helps, Nir.
It sounds like the way in which he will avenge his parents (“…forms a one man army with nature’s creatures…”) is a part of your plot that doesn’t need to be in the logline. What is important and should stay in the logline is that he will seek revenge not how he will do so.
“Twenty-year-old vindictive…” seams a redundant description it is made clear that Johnny is young because he is in the reform school. Also it is made clear he is vindictive by his main action (“…avenges his parents…”) so best to use this precious logline real estate for a simpler necessary description preferably one that would describe his flaw.
Hope this helps, Nir.
Oh, and he shouldn’t “leave the reform school”. He should escape during a plot by the guards to assassinate him, too, on orders of the despot. Which would make his motivation to exact revenge even more urgent and personal.
Oh, and he shouldn’t “leave the reform school”. He should escape during a plot by the guards to assassinate him, too, on orders of the despot. Which would make his motivation to exact revenge even more urgent and personal.
Instead of impregnable I go with security that no man can penetrate which gives your creatures something to do.
Twenty seems a tad old for reform school.
Vindictive and avenges-seems repetitive.
Revenge Impossible sounds like you’re trying to cash in on a different franchise and doing it cheaply. I’d suggest a title that highlights the creature aspect: The Pissed Piper. I know, they won’t use it for the movie title but, for a script title, it says a lot.
Instead of impregnable I go with security that no man can penetrate which gives your creatures something to do.
Twenty seems a tad old for reform school.
Vindictive and avenges-seems repetitive.
Revenge Impossible sounds like you’re trying to cash in on a different franchise and doing it cheaply. I’d suggest a title that highlights the creature aspect: The Pissed Piper. I know, they won’t use it for the movie title but, for a script title, it says a lot.
What does “nature’s creatures” mean?
If the head of state ordered their assassination, he’s the antagonist. The button men are merely dramatic proxies; for the sake of clarity and brevity they need not be mentioned in the logline even though in the plot proper they may be on the kid’s hit list.
What does “nature’s creatures” mean?
If the head of state ordered their assassination, he’s the antagonist. The button men are merely dramatic proxies; for the sake of clarity and brevity they need not be mentioned in the logline even though in the plot proper they may be on the kid’s hit list.
Why would he avenge the parents’ assassins? Did someone do something bad to them?
verb (used with object), avenged, avenging.
1.
to take vengeance or exact satisfaction for:
“to avenge a grave insult.”
2.
to take vengeance on behalf of:
“He avenged his brother.”
Why would he avenge the parents’ assassins? Did someone do something bad to them?
verb (used with object), avenged, avenging.
1.
to take vengeance or exact satisfaction for:
“to avenge a grave insult.”
2.
to take vengeance on behalf of:
“He avenged his brother.”