COMANCHERIA
Two brothers, one an ex-con and the other a divorced father of two kids, face the foreclosure of their family?s West Texas farm. They team for a skillfully-calculated bank robbing spree that puts them on a collision course with two Texas Rangers determined to take them down.
Share
A few thoughts on your idea:
a) an ‘ex-con’ seems pretty stereotypical and unsurprising that they would rob a bank. It may work better with a less obvious teaming “a divorced father of two and his Buddhist sister…..”?
b) Why a bank-robbing spree? To stop the foreclosure only one robbery would be necessary. A spree my make sense if the motivation is revenge against the bank’s greed?
c) It could also be shortened.
So an idea that may provide some use…
“When a divorced father of two and his Buddhist sister face foreclosure on their family?s West Texas farm, they plan a breathtaking robbery that puts them on a collision course with two Texas Rangers.”
For starters this needs to be shortened. Is one of the siblings the main character or is this multi protagonist? Usually even in a multi-pro film one character still has the slight lead. I would mainly describe them and then state ‘and their ‘so & so’ brother….’
The goal is there and the stakes but it certainly needs shortening. I also have a few issues much like SydneyPaul above but I don’t need to say them again. Take a look at it again and think of the necessities. Hero, Villain, Problem, Goal, Stakes.
Hope this helps.
This is my kind story. Congrats on making the Black List. Figured I’d humbly take a stab at simplifying your log line:
Two brothers, desperate to save the family farm, embark on a bank robbing spree that puts them on a collision course with a pair of determined Texas Rangers.