Two next door neighbors, one needing to get somewhere and the other to get away, set out on a road trip across America that will redefine what they want from life and from each other.
Alan SmitheePenpusher
Two next door neighbors, one needing to get somewhere and the other to get away, set out on a road trip across America that will redefine what they want from life and from each other.
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1: Since the neighbor?who needs to get ‘somewhere‘ has the goal. (Reach ‘this’ destination) Then that character should be the lead.
2: Then you should tell us what that destination is (Los Angeles for instance) and be specific.
3: Finally, you should let the reader know what bad thing will happen if the lead does not get to that specific destination. That will be your stakes, and the stakes are what draw in the reader.
Ultimately you are trying to ‘grip’ or ‘hook’ the reader, and saying that the lead needs to? ‘get somewhere’ just doesn’t draw in the reader.
As a general logline rule, be specific, and be urgent. (And that applies to most loglines on this site, not just yours)
“Two next door neighbors, one needing to get somewhere and the other to get away, set out on a road trip across America that will redefine what they want from life and from each other.”
What is the inciting incident? Why must the character leave?right now? The logline should describe a clear, single event.
As Richiev mentioned, who is the protagonist? The inciting incident should be specifically for that character.
The goal seems to be to get to a destination. So what is the conflict? Is there a time limit? Are they being chased? Right now, the story seems to be: two neighbors go on a road trip. The logline doesn’t describe a situation which brings up conflict.