Penpusher
Posted: 2020-07-02T02:57:26+10:00 In:

When a gigantic firestorm burns through a family’s horse ranch in October 2003, the miracles it leaves behind bring Grant, an accomplished physicist, to the brink of believing in something more powerful than science.

A logline for my completed 93 page screenplay.

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    8 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity

      A logline should tell the reader who’s the lead character, what they want, and what’s standing in their way.

      Because I don’t know what your lead character wants, it’s difficult to tell what the story is about.

      I can see it has something to do with magic apples, but not sure what the magic apples do nor what the lead character plans on doing with the magic apples now that he has them.

      Anyway, this is just a critique of the logline, not the story itself.

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    2. Singularity

      Agree with Richiev.

      It isn’t clear at all as to what the plot is about. The logline teases but doesn’t inform. All we can read are the words on the screen. We can’t read your mind.

      Furthermore his “want” is a passive statement. The job of a protagonist is to proactively purpose a course of action to obtain what he wants. I and few other billion people want the pandemic to cease. But merely wanting that outcome won’t make it happen.

      What must he do to get what he wants?

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    3. Singularity

      As per dpg and Richiev.

      In addition:

      We don’t need names in a logline. It adds no value, only more words. Instead, consider telling us who Grant is. You mentioned he is a scientist but what is his character flaw? What is the characteristic that gives him his arc? Given that the audience must follow him for 90+mins, it’s important to understand why, even just in the logline.

      The magic apples… are they literal or figurative?

      Grant shouldn’t have lived to see his ninth birthday… ok. How old is he now? Given that the story is told now, his current age is arguably more important than the age he was when he could have died.

      I really have no idea what the plot is about. Does Grant wish that wonders would cease? If so, why? A world without wonder sounds pretty grim.

      To me, this is more like a bit of marketing spiel you could put on the back of the DVD cover. That’s not what a logline is though. A logline MUST tell us what the plot is.

      I would argue that the inciting incident isn’t his fall at 8 years old, it’s getting the magic bag of apples. That’s what starts his actual journey. The fall is merely backstory. It might have impacted his character now, but it’s not the event that gives our hero a quest. Or at least I assume this is the case. I can’t say for sure without understanding what happens after this guy gets his bag of apples.

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    4. Uberwriter

      My fellow logliners will disagree. But tell them the story. My brother had read the lord of the rings every year since he was 13. At 45 we went to a midnight screen on day one. Producers don’t need intrigue. They need to be able to make a decision. They are not the audience, they are your future collaborators.

      They also do not see your logline in isolation. They have 1000 to review. So one that isn’t clear what the movie is about, is not given a second thought. This is my belief and approach to the world. Like I said, my fellow logliners will disagree.

      So what have we got.

      A kid falling from a tree, magic apples deposited by a firestorm and potentially a person that doesn’t pick up on clues.

      What is the genre, budget, lead character, era… I don’t have enough to make a decision.

      I hope my rant helps.

      • 1