Mentor
Posted: 2016-05-09T06:24:56+10:00 In:

Using a mysterious equation to predict how and when he’ll die, a wealthy businessman must kill a corrupt government official to prevent his untimely demise, but when things go awry he starts to question if he is preventing or creating his fate.

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    5 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity

      I suggest you might want to clarify the theme you want to explore and hopefully that will bring the logline into focus. ?As it currently stands, I am unable to get a handle on either. (Which is complicated by the fact that I had a day job requiring extensive knowledge and intensive use of statistics, so I find it hard to suspend disbelief.)

      This seems to be a clone of the sub-genre of stories about futures foretold through story props like astrology charts, tarot cards, crystal balls, etc. ?The prop may be different but premise seems to be the same. ?Other than the prop, what does this story bring to the sub-genre that hasn’t been done before?

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    2. Best Answer
      Mentor

      Try to reword ‘mysterious equation’ in a way that express mystery without the word mysterious and in a way that is fully undestandable. Where does he find this equation? There’s a book about this, ‘The Stochastic Man’: the main character is a statistics expert, maybe the ‘equation’ is advanced statistics?

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    3. Best Answer
      Mentor

      Well, I would say it is mysterious as he won’t know of it’s origin, but was handed to him from a previous user who stipulated in his will should he die when predicted to inform others.

      Also, this is the part that got my mind working wasn’t the other guy was going to kill him, no just that his being alive would lead to his death, and it’s when my protagonist fails to take him out it appears he is the cause of his own demise and as it gets worse he must wonder would this have happened if hadn’t found out… I guess think cookie jar matrix.

      So yep ties into fate, control, determination.

      As for Sci-Fi I was planning on mixing it with our current world almost in the tone of Self/Less

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    4. Best Answer
      Singularity

      The kill or be killed theme is interesting, but I’m not sure the “?mysterious equation?” is working in the logline.

      Firstly, what is?a mysterious equation? What makes it mysterious?
      The description of how he finds out his particular form of death is confusing, and I believe redundant in the logline. The “hook” that got me interested was the “man finds out who will kill him” part, how he finds out was less important.

      Secondly the connection between a mathematical equation and assassinating a politician seems tenuous at best, as a result the main character sounds like he could be paranoid delusional. This kind of main character would be very difficult to empathise with, so perhaps better to describe his finding out who will kill him in more concrete terms?

      It does sound as if you want to play with fate though, and the scifi?element also seems to be prominent. If this is the case I would recommend using a more obvert version of it, for example:

      After being shown his future murder a business man must assassinate a senator to save his own life.

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    5. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      I think the last part could be compressed.
      Also, try to find a character description that seems relevant to the logline. For the logline, why does it matter that he’s a wealthy business man?
      My suggestion: After an equation predicts how and when he’ll die, a man tries to battle his fate by killing a corrupt senator.(Specifying what kind of official will also cut out a word.

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