Time For A Change Of Time
Waking from a four year coma David is told his daughter just died. He joins a counselling group, but it's three months before his daughter dies. He wants to change his daughters future, the counsellor argues it isn't possible.
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I respectfully disagree with MC’s feedback. Where we are that the original logline is too wordy and needs to punch us in as few words as possible, I don’t find the counselor plug to be essential to the logline because it’s too “on the nose”. Of course, a counselor will say it’s impossible – readers are smart enough to think that.
How about this:
After the death of his daughter, a father awakes from a four year coma and learns he has three months to prevent his daughter?s demise.?
Your take on it reads:
After the death of his daughter the father awakes from a four year coma. And the father awakes from a four year coma before his daughters death.
The counsellor’s role is vitally important to the whole story.
With regard to the one sentence theory, I agree.
But to get the logline right, the full stops should be included initially.
If you look at many of the loglines here a full stop has simply been replaced with a comma. In one of them the word temptation still has a higher case letter after a comma.
One thing that may merit a second sentence (or a minor lengthening of the logline) is some additional conflict. Audiences are pretty savvy to time travel stories at this point. We know the story will have one of two outcomes: the past is static and unchangeable, or there are multiple outcomes and the past can be altered.
I’d suggest adding another bit really explaining what conflict makes this story unique.
Interesting concept (time warp). But as far as loglines are concerned, it’s imperative that they are concise (no more than one sentence). How about this (using your words, but twisting it around a bit): “After the death of his daughter, a father awakes from a four year coma shortly before his daughter’s demise.” Cut out the counselor verbage, it’s not essential and the reader can infer that this is an impossibility, but can buy in.