Penpusher
Posted: 2016-12-17T16:37:43+10:00 In:

In tradition of the French new wave films of the 60s, a young tap-gamer struggles with success and relationship strain after a conglomerate buys his game, while the conglomerate chairman frames an African American trash-man for his recent statuiatory rape lawsuit.

Shi-Bui

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    4 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      This logline is too long, and the plot description fragmented.

      I think you could benefit from reading up on logline conventions, check out the Training tab on the top bar for more information.

      To get you thinking in the right direction, who is the main character? The gamer, chairman or trash man? What is the main character’s goal?

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    2. Singularity

      As Nir Shelter said.

      Although a script may have more than one plot thread, a logline should only describe the main plot thread, the spine of the story on which everything else hangs.

      And “struggles with success” is vague and a cliche. ?Exactly how does he struggle with success? ?Specifically, what? does the tap game developer do about the consequences of selling out to the conglomerate? ?What exactly becomes his objective goal?

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    3. Mentor

      I can’t see how the differents parts create a whole… a game, a rape, an african american trash man, french new wave, conglomeration… this could be genius but as a logline I don’t understand anything at all sorry.

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    4. Logliner

      Tap-game = a smartphone game that you tap?

      So is the main character a tap game developer and he made a lot of money selling his game to a big company?

      If so I think “a young tap game developer” would better describe the MC.

      Also a better adjective would help. “A brilliant tap game developer”?”A dyslexic tap game developer” etc. S

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