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blajay
Posted: February 26, 20132013-02-26T09:29:16+10:00 2013-02-26T09:29:16+10:00In: Public

Wanting to right his ancestors wrongdoings during the slave-trade era, a youngboy struggles to attain peace as he unwittingly rekindles an age long war.

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    1. blajay
      2013-02-28T08:58:23+10:00Added an answer on February 28, 2013 at 8:58 am

      After unwittingly rekindling an ancient war, a youngboys survival depends on him stopping the war at all cost even if it means coming up against his ancestors wishes.

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    2. bondthewriter Penpusher
      2013-02-28T03:52:13+10:00Added an answer on February 28, 2013 at 3:52 am

      Rekindling the war is your inciting incident, correct? It’s what sets the story in motion? If so I would put that first. That will help separate the two instances of war in your logline and help eliminate the confusion.
      ‘After rekindling an ancient war…”

      Do you know HOW the protagonist restarts the war? Depending on what the HOW is that may be important enough to include.

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    3. blajay
      2013-02-28T00:46:14+10:00Added an answer on February 28, 2013 at 12:46 am

      JanCabal

      Things to note. Maybe this will shed more light into helping me get a great logline….

      There is an older world living in parallel with this world as we know it in which there “is” a bitter war

      The war “froze” in the older world over time but actions of good intent, to make up for injustices of his ancestors, by youngboy in todays world will, unknown to him, “unfreeze” the older world, causing the war to continue….

      Sole victim of the youngboys ancestor (from the older world) crosses into the world and wants to claim what belongs to her but now in youngboys custody.

      Youngboys health is ailing and he thinks by doing the “right thing” he will be okay

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    4. blajay
      2013-02-28T00:29:16+10:00Added an answer on February 28, 2013 at 12:29 am

      Andrew……. YES you are correct. (y)
      Spot on.

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    5. JanCabal Logliner
      2013-02-26T22:29:45+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2013 at 10:29 pm

      “Wanting to right his ancestors wrongdoings” would be a B-story from main goal – stop the war.

      Stop the war is primal, simple, three word goal. “Wanting to right his ancestors wrongdoings” is complicated, confusing, thorny and misleading from the main goal. It diverts you from the main plot.

      The logline is a tool, that helps you to find out potential weaknesses of your story. If you struggle so hard to put it in a simple way, I would suggest to try an another way how to tell the story.

      What helps me to set things right, is slow analysis:

      Kid sets things in motion (ancient war) by some action (reading a book or releasing a spell or something) question – how was he able to do that? mention that in the logline, as its a part of inciting incident and it can give us a clue what kind of movie it will be (horror, comedy, teenage fantasy like twillight, or movie for kids, like Jumanji or Hook). However, the point of movie would be probably curse? He has done it because he is curious, reckless, rebellious – and now he must become patient, grow up in order to achieve his goal

      He must to fix the problem (stop the war, primal thing) – this is his goal

      If he fails, something primal must happen or we (the audience) don’t care and story is bad. Someone can die, or he dies, or he loose a family in other way, or something important or valuable will be destroyed (Earth, City, something big enough to make us care).

      What perhaps makes it confusing is the explanation, how he can set a past thing in motion. He travel in time back? Maybe if he won’t set things right, his own birth can be put at stake? Or destroying of Europe. One thing that can help you to narrow the story is main antagonist, who will now win a war he would have lost, because the kid altered the past?

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    6. andrewclau Logliner
      2013-02-26T21:56:10+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2013 at 9:56 pm

      It sounds like the young boy starts the conflict (inciting incident) and ends the war (goal). Is this correct?

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    7. timmyelliot
      2013-02-26T20:03:03+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2013 at 8:03 pm

      I am curious what is meant by “unwittingly rekindles.” What does he specifically do? Does he raise the ghosts? Does he go back in time? Does he write a newspaper article that gets the current-day ancestors fighting?

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    8. blajay
      2013-02-26T16:10:49+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2013 at 4:10 pm

      Wanting to right his ancestors wrongdoings during the slave-trade era, a youngboy unwittingly rekindles an age long war and struggles to end the war.

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    9. blajay
      2013-02-26T15:42:22+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2013 at 3:42 pm

      Wanting to right his ancestors wrongdoings during the slave-trade era, a youngboy struggles to attain peace between worlds as he unwittingly rekindles an age long war.

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    10. hospas Logliner
      2013-02-26T10:21:49+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2013 at 10:21 am

      I think you need t clarify what type of peace he is after, inner peace, peace for the war. Also is the war between people of today or his ancestors or a mixture ie who are at war

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