I have come up with this new LL for my script. It takes from the Grimm story of red riding hood and is about a modern family that has hunted werewolves for generations, but are now being targeted by what they have hunted. It now wants revenge, but not only does it want to wipe them out, it wants to turn their only daughter, who knows nothing about the family business, into what they hate the most. The daughter is a biochemist working on a project that has the ability of prolonging human life. This does play into the story as a sub-plot. Thoughts?
McCreedyLogliner
Werewolf hunters discover an Alpha wants to eliminate them, and the veil?s pierced when their oblivious biochemist daughter realizes it?s her it wants.
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Hey Patrockable no problem with “add her to its pack”. I just think that the element of danger is present once a Werewolf is mentioned so no precious logline words need be wasted on further elaboration of the exact type of danger. More so if it is a well-known fact amongst fantasy fans even less of a reason to waist logline wording on it, especially in a many times redone genre.
Also I think that a logline needs to clearly identify an unmistakable inciting incident (or II for short), not sure of the II in your suggestion.
Ultimately if the story is of the bio chemist (MC) fighting the Alpha Werewolf (AN) do the family take any action in her story? They could be involved as allies, mentors even obstacles but other wise they are part of the back story and partake in the B and C plots and only aid her in the A.
In such a well-established genre focus should be on her goal and modus operandi.
Hope this helps, Nir.
A biochemist, unaware she belongs to a family of Werewolf hunters, discovers an Alpha is out to eliminate them, and add her to its pack.?
I like it, this is the best one so far, as we know who the protagonist is, and the goal is implied.
Nir, I don’t see a problem with “add her to its pack” … when a werewolf bites someone, she becomes a werewolf too. I think that is part of the myth, so all good there.
Maybe give the protagonist a strength/weakness. 🙂
Here’s my take:
A shy biochemist must unite with her family of Werewolf hunters to battle a vicious Alpha, who seeks to add her to his pack.?
Much better reads clearer and more efficient but still a tad bit confusing.
As the mechanics of Werewolfism are not known by most the: “add her to its pack” seams out of place.
From my memory of most Werewolf flicks it?s: kill the Werewolf or be eaten!
Not: kill or be assimilated to the pack through an infectious morphing magic ability of the Alpha Werewolf!
Point is “Werewolf” alone spells monster, which equals danger, where as the exact mechanism of danger is irrelevant and perhaps best not to waist precious logline words on it.
In this instance I think the sophistication of the AN, the intricacy of the sub plots and the originality of the danger would be best elaborated on in the step outline or synopsis rather logline.
For the logline purposes focus on the MC that has an II and her goal is [insert heightened stakes] against the AN.
Just my quick little attempt:
After a biochemist loses her family to a pack of Werewolves she must fight to save the sole survivor her little sister from the Alpha Werewolf or be killed her self.
Hope this helps,
Nir.
Awesome people, thank you! I think I have it, I like it.
“A biochemist, unaware she belongs to a family of Werewolf hunters, discovers an Alpha is out to eliminate them, and add her to its pack.”
Agreed!
Try breaking it down to the essential components of a logline/story.
What genre? Who is the MC? What is the II? What does the MC want? Who is the AN?
From the logline above it seams that it is a monster in the house story according to Blake Snyder with a multi protagonist plot. MC are the hunters II is the monsters chasing the daughter and the AN is the big monster (Alpha werewolf). All the MC’s collectively, want to stop the big monster.
It’s a wee bit messy and I think suggests incorrectly a multi protagonist plot. Consider perhaps changing the logline to one with a specific MC; one of the hunters, with a flaw; seeks revenge everywhere, and a goal; to save his daughter, with an equally illustrated AN; a genetically modified werewolf.
Hope this helps.
Nir.
Sounds interesting. I think you might have outlined a twist in the story rather than the logline though. You’ve mentioned a group of people- the hunters- and a potential target- the daughter- but I’m not getting a sense of who the hero is.
I’m still learning how to do loglines myself but, using the example format given on this site, maybe try structuring it a little differently, e.g.
When a team of research scientists are attacked by werewolves in the wilderness, Prof. John Doe must outwit the blood thirsty leader of the pack before they are turned into werewolves themselves.
It’s a so-so attempt at a logline but maybe it will spark something for you 🙂