2000
Caleb TumanakoLogliner
When a 17 year-old does a work for the dole program at a Sydney Car Wash for a businessman, he becomes entangled into his shady world while his dreams of wrestling at the 2000 Olympic Games becomes more and more distant by the year. Note: This is a TV pilot.
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hello
“shady world” is too vague, doesn’t build curiosity nor interest.
I can’t see the logic wrestler/car wash/businessman.
Hey
Could you please if you’re going to critique offer an alternative?
The logic is – he is an amatuer wrestler who wants to wrestle at the 2000 Games in Sydney while his boss takes a liking to him and offers him work as a stand-over man in the shady world of Vietnamese crime. “drugs”
I don’t have a sufficient handle on the logline to condense the concept except to suggest that you move the kid’s objective goal to the beginning of the logline; the complications would follow. Because the first question a logline reader wants to know is: what does the main character want to accomplish? In this case, he wants to wrestle in the Olympics. I shouldn’t have to wade through 27 words before I find that out.
When structuring characters for a TV show best to start off with a logline for the pilot episode, if this was the intention I fail to see the plot of the pilot in the logline.
You mention his ambition but not a specific inciting incident, goal and obstacle.
What is it he needs to do in the pilot episode?
Why did he need to work in the car wash now? What exactly is it he wants to do? Compete in the try-outs for the olympic wrestling team? win a spot on the Olympic wrestling team? What is stopping him? Is it money? Skill level? Physical injury?
It’s through the answers to these questions that you can structure a logline for the pilot and infer the character dynamics that will make up most of the stories for the following seasons.
Hope this helps.
It’s a work for the dole program, he is forced into it.
Money, ambition is stopping him.
Shady world = stand-over work for a corrupt businessman.
When a 17 year-old with dreams of wrestling at the Sydney Olympics does a work at a Sydney Car Wash, he becomes entangled in a shady world stand-over and crime for his boss while his dreams of wrestling becomes more and more distant.
The work for the dole is, I think, a detail not needed in the logline as it is not part of the big picture. I dropped the business man as a business is ran by business people and you don’t need to say it, helps cut the word count, makes for an easier read.
What year is it set in? I can see this as an SBS series. Good concept.
Now I see a logic wrestler/henchman so I think you should build your logline with this 2 clear elements.
“When an amateur wrestler is hired as a henchman by a mafia buisiness man, then_______” what happens ? I don’t have enough elements to continue te story.
Sounds like another formulation of the Rocky franchise. The kid’s younger, and It’s about wrestling instead of boxing, and it’s set in Sydney, AU instead of Philadelphia, US. But it’s same archetypal struggle: An underdog must overcome his environment and overwhelming odds to realize his Big Dream.
So, it’s set in the year 1996. That’s the first season.
The second season will be 1997.
Third 1998
Fourth and final 1999
The stand-over work turns into contract killing, drug dealing etc
I am actually wondering whether to change it from wrestling to Judo.
The business man is Vietnamese, I want Ahn Doh for the role.
So I’m going to write this television pilot. List all the people I want for it and have the protagonist be half Koori, half Australian so he really is an underdog, not only in society but also when he trains.
Unfortunately, as Ahn Doh’s character manipulates him more and more so, his dreams to win gold become more of a dream as the years progress as he becomes an effective hitman.
The drugs they are dealing are heroin as Ahn Doh is the head of a Vietnamese/Chinese criminal syndicate for these type of characters. He uses street kids to sell on the street while keeping a happy front at his San Souci car wash place.
Now, the similarities to Breaking Bad are too much so I have to go back and perhaps change it from a car wash to a car dealership.
Why cars? Because it’s symbolic of moving heroin or meth, etc.
There’s going to be some comedy but every season would open up with some type of music from the year prior. It’s set in the 90s and is going to very 90s in clothing, haircuts, attitudes, etc.
But the tragedy is – we slowly see this kid’s innocence disappear.
The first episode actually takes place in the last week of 1996.
I don’t see a strong parallel with Breaking Bad so best not to be concerned with that.
Is there such a thing as a combined Vietnamese/Chinese gang back then? I thought that each nationality stuck to their own.
You mentioned in an earlier post that “…Shady world = stand-over work for a corrupt businessman.” but this is still too vague. Specify what exactly he will be doing. Is he made to beat people up? Kill mob opponents? Threaten debtors families?
You also mentioned in earlier post about the obstacles. How can ambition be an obstacle? In what way is money an obstacle as in what can’t he afford but needs in order to make it onto the olympic team?
It appears as if you have given some thought to many production related elements but not story. As it sounds like you are still structuring the story and character dynamics for the series best to focus on the primary story elements.
What is the plot of the pilot? What is the main character’s specific goal in the first season?
The first episode centres around him working at the car wash. A rich customer comes through, is very rude where we see the seventeen year-old show an aggressive side without actually touching the person which impresses the boss. The boss brings him into his office and promptly fires him.
After this, the seventeen year-old continues with his amatuer wrestling/judo training. Until he recieves a call from the boss. The boss says he has another job for him, just to pick up a package. He does so but it’s from the garage of three outlaw biker guys who they are about to rape, the seventeen year-old beats them all up, one goes for his side arm to which the seventeen year-old steals it from and kills. He finds the package (a block of cocaine) and heads back to the boss.
He is about to beat up the boss until the boss gives him $10,000 straight away, gives a corrupt Police Detective to go to the scene and clean up the mess before the forensic guys come. Deal done. The boss sets him up with his lawyer in the CBD. There, he meets a receptionist.
The last day of 1995, he heads to Sydney Harbour with her, takes some of the cocaine and watches as fireworks go off while tears run down his cheeks.
His goal is to try and make it onto the wrestling/judo Olympic squad for the first season.
The pilot will start in 1995 and finish in 1996 where we kick off the first season.
I want Ahn Doh because there is something very uncomfortable about a “gangster” who smiles and cracks jokes like he’s your mate. So the story has been thought out to a point (even the ending of the whole series) but I’m wondering if I should go the UK route and only make it a 2 Series type of show beginning with 1997 and ending on 2000.
Never limit the potential for more seasons producers and executives love the idea that a show can run for many seasons as this means more revenue from a single concept.
It seams as if the pilot hasn’t got a dramatic spine as it lacks a specific goal and as such a plot.
Best to restructure the concept of the pilot so that via an event out of his control the young man must achieve a specific goal by the end of the episode. Then, using his actions and the characters he needs to deal with, demonstrate how most episode will look and feel during the season.
His goal is to one day wrestle at the Olympic Games but I’m wondering what scene should come first, him at Centrelink – trying to find a job or chasing his dream so there’s two goals. I don’t know if they are specific or not. Do you have any suggestions?
Caleb you start thinking about cast get the story right. I mean what is the theme? What is the arc of the character? How will he change? You may be able to achieve that in an hour. Don’t tie yourself to a length or series, after all it isn’t in your control.
My brother had a series on SBS, “Comedy School” they purchased eight shows. Halfway through production they dropped it to four. The show did great, rated well, Sydney Morning Herald had it down as the show to watch in its time slot. They didn’t go to a second season.
This may sound negative. I just want you to focus on what is in your control. Writing a killer story. Once you sell it move on to the next one. If you are a writer (which is something you feel not do) you will have a hundred stories to tell.
PS don’t worry if you think your story has element from other stories, everything does. Avatar and Dances With Wolves are the same film in different settings.
The most important element to adapt from “Breaking Bad” is an attention grabbing pilot episode, one that hooks the audience, makes them want to tune in next week to see what happens next.
This is not a goal for an episode nor for a season, “…one day wrestle at the Olympic Games?” is an ambition. This is because he is an amateur wrestler with no professional or competitive experience and the road to Olympic qualification is long.
What specific goal does he need to achieve in episode one that will get him closer to achieving his ambition? Think of each episode as a stepping stone closer to achieving his ambition plot out the necessary milestones he needs to have reached/achieved before he makes it onto the Olympic team.
Each one of these could be an episode specific goal.
This is the writers job to come up with these goals and the plots to achieve them a few I can think of now are:
To earn a specific amount of money to be able to afford a Gi.
Or to get a membership in a local dojo?
Perhaps he wants to prove himself to his dream Sensei.
Then using a logline you can work on the structure of the pilot episode to achieve that specific goal.