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rcrownLogliner
Posted: February 15, 20182018-02-15T10:32:17+10:00 2018-02-15T10:32:17+10:00In: Thriller

When a black high school football star mysteriously disappears, his four daring friends and their dog set out to find him, unraveling the dark secrets of their small town and a possible serial killer among the town?s elite.

When a black high school football star mysteriously disappears, his four daring friends and their dog set out to find him, unraveling the dark secrets of their small town and a possible serial killer among the town?s elite.
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    9 Reviews

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    1. CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
      2018-02-17T07:39:10+10:00Added an answer on February 17, 2018 at 7:39 am

      Four teens find themselves hunted by a serial killer who is protected by their town eliate after they start investigating their friends disappearance.

      Loose the dog. The dog is nothing to the story. If it is make it the protagonist.

      A dog takes his four humans to discover the fate of his owner who was the victim of a serial killer with influence in the police.

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    2. wendyj Logliner
      2018-02-16T03:42:30+10:00Added an answer on February 16, 2018 at 3:42 am

      My main issue:

      “…his four daring friends and their dog …”

      Because of the way it was written, it sounds like all four friends own the dog.

      As someone wrote above, mentioning the dog isn’t needed. When a dog is part of the storyline, the story is usually family-friendly and wouldn’t include a serial killer. Unless you plan on having the dog play a pivotal role in finding the missing football player, why include it in the logline and then have to use the space to clarify who owns the dog.

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    3. Foxtrot25 Uberwriter
      2018-02-15T20:25:33+10:00Added an answer on February 15, 2018 at 8:25 pm

      The movie “A Time to Kill” used race effectively…

      In Canton, Mississippi, a fearless young lawyer and his assistant defend a black man accused of murdering two white men who raped his 10-year-old daughter, inciting violent retribution and revenge from the Ku Klux Klan.

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    4. dpg Singularity
      2018-02-15T20:22:01+10:00Added an answer on February 15, 2018 at 8:22 pm

      I think that in the American context of the Black Lives Matter movement, the ethnicity of the missing boy IS an important element in the logline.

      Otherwise, same song, second verse, the same notes I gave back in December.

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    5. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2018-02-15T17:21:20+10:00Added an answer on February 15, 2018 at 5:21 pm

      This sounds like it could work as a contained thriller. However, much like the others, I don’t see how the dog, or the ethnicity of the missing guy are relevant. If the main character’s central problem was made worse by the race of the guy then it needs to be described in the logline in such a way.
      For example: After a black man goes missing in 1960 out back Australia, his best friend must fight a corrupt chief of police to find him.
      Not a very good story, but it demonstrates how race can be used effectively in a logline – at that time in Australia helping black people would have been a lower priority for the police, this adds to the main character’s obstacle and therefore warrants including it in the logline.

      Other than that, “…dark secret…” is generic, and as a result, vague. Best to give the antagonist a face and describe exactly what it is about the “bad guy” that makes them scary.

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    6. Richiev Singularity
      2018-02-15T16:55:18+10:00Added an answer on February 15, 2018 at 4:55 pm

      On a totally different?note, sometimes I like to guess at things… my guess: The mayor is a vampire 🙂

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    7. Richiev Singularity
      2018-02-15T16:52:51+10:00Added an answer on February 15, 2018 at 4:52 pm

      The problem is, I know more about someone?who isn’t even in the story, (the missing football player) than I do the lead character.

      In fact, you don’t give us a lead character in your logline.
      Saying ‘four daring friends’ is generic, saying ‘dog’ is generic, saying ‘dark secrets’ is generic

      I also don’t understand why the friends are not letting the police investigate. (I am not saying they should let the police investigate, I am saying the,?‘why them’ is missing from the logline)

      So this sounds like a great concept for a story, it sounds like you have this ready to go… but the logline is too vague; and while the logline should not give away all the secrets of a script, basic elements like knowing who the lead character is should be clear from reading a logline.

      Remember this is just a critique of the logline, I like the concept.

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    8. Foxtrot25 Uberwriter
      2018-02-15T14:21:15+10:00Added an answer on February 15, 2018 at 2:21 pm

      Agree with Richiev. also, what does the color of the maguffin have to do with the story as well, if only to play on racial tensions? That’s getting old as well.

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    9. Richiev Singularity
      2018-02-15T13:01:09+10:00Added an answer on February 15, 2018 at 1:01 pm

      You don’t need the dog in the logline because it doesn’t?add anything? (Unless the dog is the main character like Lassie) It just adds extra words.
      ———————————–
      “When his best friend goes missing, a determined high school journalist investigates clues the small town police might have missed, leading him to believe there may be a serial killer among the town’s elite.”

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