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When a broken-hearted accountant finds out her husband, who disappeared, is now a monk in an isolated mountain village, she journeys there to confront him.
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It sounds interesting however it only conjures up an image of one dramatic conversation at the climax and not a full story. I wonder if you are giving too much away in the logline?
In trying to think of a way to re-word it, the plot to Winter’s Borne comes to mind. In that story the girl must find her father or face losing the house.
Can you suggest the goal and what is at stake and not give away that he is a monk in a remote village?
“When a broken-hearted accountant finds out her husband, who disappeared, is now a monk in an isolated mountain village, she journeys there to confront him.”
This logline says this is in the drama genre. If not- if it’s a rom-com, or straight comedy, then it needs to change. Grammatically, however, it might be improved like this:
“When a broken-hearted accountant finds her missing husband living as a monk in an isolated mountain village, she journeys there to confront him.”
The end result is still just a “confrontation” between two exes. Might want to re-consider the stakes and conflict.
Thanks for the feedback, Phil and sharkeatingman.
Her goal is to meet her husband and find out why he left her and their eight year old daughter. They had a seemingly happy marriage, and then one day, two years ago, he vanishes, without a trace, no note, nothing. It is important to her because she’s been withdrawn and uncommunicative, unable to move on. She loved him dearly, and needs closure.
Do you think the stakes are strong enough based on these facts? If so, it’s hard to say everything in the logline, I’m open to suggestions as to how to say it. 🙂 If not, what would be better stakes?
Also, the big revelation at the end is not that he is a monk. Her husband’s ex-colleague reveals to her that her husband is a monk at the beginning. This is the inciting incident, that makes her go on the journey.
The village is isolated, no phones, nothing. Her two best friends and a South Korean guide/monk in training accompany her. The beginning of act two deals with the physical trek up the mountain, and how she bonds with her friends.
At the mid-point they get to the village, she finds him, and discovers he has taken a vow of silence. Furious, he slaps him, again and again across the face. He lets her hit him, tears streaming down.
With that background, the stakes are these: if she journeys to find him, and does, and gets rejected again, what has she lost? Nothing, because she didn’t have him to begin when she started the journey.
NOW, add the fact that she had his baby while he was gone, and that the baby has a life-threatening condition/disease/illness that can only be cured with a transpplant of some kind from the father, now you have a much higher conflict- life and death- and stakes- death of a loved one.
For the father, he is now forced with a choice of returning to a lifestyle of sin by having to give up his monk quest, returning to a woman he possibly never loved, and a child he never knew he had, or stay, thus almost assuring that the child will die.
For the protag- the wife- she is forced to make this trip for reasons other than her own selfishness, and she probably won’t take “no” for an answer. This now becomes a “Sophie’s Choice” scenario with a religious twist of sorts.
If you REALLY want to give it a twist, don’t have the husband/monk agree to come back and/or save the child. Now what?
Clearly, the above scenarios make the genre and tone quite obvious, so let’s hope it’s not a romcom!
Sorry, patrockable, I didn’t read your explanation all the way through, so much of what I said is somewhat meaningless and redundant.
I think your suggestions are really good Shareatsman would be a great story if the stakes were as high as the sick child. Only the goal should always be saving the child rather than getting the husband.
If she gets to him mid act 2 there is a whole lot more story to go before the end. So if indeed the child was sick and the transplant (great idea by the way) is necessary when she reaches the husband mid act 2 she has a second mountain to climb; convincing a monk to depart from his monastery… reversal of approach, perhaps she has to understand his new way of life in order to get him away from it.
Trek up the mountain is crossing the threshold great start to act 2. The guide could be so symbolically as well, as the mentor, for he guides her through the tricky path up the mountain then through the tricky path with the husband.
She starts by fighting her own emotions in act 1, then nature and then a culture the levels of conflict escalate from inner, to personal then to extra personal.
She has an inner journey to learn how to relate with others and a clear outer journey goal we can easily visualize, BOOM!
What a great story this could be.
Only stipulate clearly in a logline the logline crucial elements? perhaps:
A desperate mother journeys to a remote Buddhist monastery in search of her estranged husband to convince him to donate his kidney to save their son.
Added the Buddhist part to make it even harder for her to convince him to undergo an operation.
Hope this helps, Nir.