Last chance
When a brutal assasin wins custody of his two children after the biased outcome of a divorce proceedings, he intends to dominate their lives and discovered a great potential in one of them but then the table turned against him and his attrocities were exposed as the children struggled to be free from his cruel hands.
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The very first part of this is good,
“When a brutal assassin wins custody of his two children…” I would keep this.
“After the biased outcome of a divorce proceedings…” This isn’t needed
“He intends to dominate their lives and discovered a great potential in one of them…” This is confusing, It sounds important but needs to be rewritten.
“But then the table turned against him and his atrocities were exposed..” You are using two different tenses.
“as the children struggled to be free from his cruel hands.” This sounds important to the story but not sure why you are using past tense for this line.
Seems like a compelling idea but I would rewrite everything after the very first line.
Good luck with this
The obvious problem(s) are: no sign of a protagonist, spelling errors, and too wordy. If you switch POV to the protag, it might help in it’s construction. The most intriguing part is “brutal assassin”; after that, he kind of goes downhill quickly. You’re simply trying to throw in the kitchen sink- common problem- when you should concentrate on the true “heart and soul” (seed, concept, premise, etc) of the story you want to tell.
Hope that helps…
Btw, that was from Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge…
Yeah, this truly helps thanks.