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Ser0216Penpusher
When a bullied classmate turns up drowned, meek hall monitor must team up with their high school tormentor in order to catch the culprit.
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Why must the students find a culprit? There is no indication a crime was committed or that the police can’t handle the job. And how does being a “hall monitor”play into the story? Did the death occur on her watch? Was she watching the hall in front of the school pool? Finally, if it was a crime, wouldn’t the tormentor be the prime suspect?
Possible ways out are:? 1) tell us that the police suspect the bully and he (or she) must prove her innocence, or 2) the police rule the death a suicide and the students want to prove it was murder, or 3) the police suspect the hall monitor who claimed the bullied student went alone to the pool when she was murdered.
I get the story, however, I think it could be told a little better
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“When his best friend is murdered, a meek hall monitor must team with the school bully, who’s the police’s chief suspect, in order to find the real killer.”
Kinda feel like this should be in the “mystery” or “crime” category instead of a thriller.
As yqwertz said, why must the students find the culprit? There needs to be a reason why the police are written off otherwise a reader’s first question is always going to be why aren’t the police dealing with this and if they are, why does this kid feel the need to get involved. There needs to be something personal about this incident – as in Richiev’s version – it’s the best friend who dies.
Why does the protagonist NEED to team up with the bully? I get the odd couple dynamic you’re going for but there must be a really good reason for it.
I think the main thing missing from this is the relationship between the dead bullied school kid and the hall monitor, who is probably also a bullied school kid.? If you make them “best friends” as another comment suggests, or brothers maybe, then there’s a reason for this hall monitor to risk his scrawny neck to put a stop to this!