Penpusher
Posted: 2015-09-30T11:53:07+10:00 In:

When a business graduate of the new generation wants some money for his new business he is up against the best and wins.

When a business graduate of the new generation wants some money for his new business he is up against the best and wins.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      I think you may need to be more specific. For example what do you mean by the ‘new generation’ etc.

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    2. Penpusher

      I believe you can try re-wording most of it. Also give more detail about the best and wins, What does that mean? Can it just be a business graduate, does it have to be new generation. What about a new breed of a business graduate sets out…….etc…

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    3. Mentor

      Hello,

      I join those who said that you should be more specific. You are the master of your story, it’s time to decide who is the main character, what buisiness, what/who is agaist the main character’s goal?

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    4. Mentor

      Yep, I agree with the comments above and also I would say that the stakes and conflict seem a bit lacking.

      Granted you say he / she goes up against the best, so we assume they are tough opposition, but saying “he wins” makes it seem it is actually very easy. He also doesn’t seem to have anything to lose.

      A recent business graduate, whose family name has granted him an easy life,?is given a week by his father to beat 10 of the best business graduates from around the world at a series of academical challenges if he is to be handed the family company.

      That isn’t the best, but we get an idea of the character flaw : He has has had and easy life and is perhaps self entitled, the stakes: The company and his father’s respect, a ticking clock: A week, and the Opposition: The 10 Graduates.

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