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KnightriderMentor
Posted: April 15, 20152015-04-15T07:09:36+10:00 2015-04-15T07:09:36+10:00In: Public

When images of a past that is not his own almost get a CIA Agent killed on assignment, he disobeys orders to search for the mysterious woman from his vision, but must evade his own agency who’ve made him a target to keep them from meeting.

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    4 Reviews

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    1. Richiev Singularity
      2015-04-15T09:00:36+10:00Added an answer on April 15, 2015 at 9:00 am

      I’m going to re-write this but keep it close to what your wrote, sort of clean it up a little. That doesn’t mean it will be the best version but hopefully it will be a little shorter and concise:
      —–
      —–
      When a cold and arrogant spy, — When an arrogant spy (No need for both cold and arrogant)

      begins to experience memories of another life,–experiences memories of another life (no need to say begins)

      he goes against orders — he disobeys orders (same thing, less space)

      to search for the mysterious woman he?s sharing a past with, — To search for the mysterious woman he shares a past with (Try to avoid -ing verbs when possible)

      but as he gets closer to tracking her down, — but as he gets closer (no need to say tracking her down, it’s implied) {Actually this whole line could be cut, I will try a version without it as well}

      he discovers his own agency has made both of them a target in an attempt to stop them from meeting — He must evade his own agency who’s made him a target to keep them from meeting.
      —–
      —–
      “When an arrogant spy experiences memories of another life, he disobeys orders to search for the mysterious woman he shares a past with, but as he gets closer he must evade his own agency who’s made him a target to keep them from meeting.”
      —–
      —–
      When an arrogant spy experiences memories of another life, he disobeys orders to search for the mysterious woman he shares a past with, but must evade his own agency, who’s made him a target to keep them from meeting.”
      —–
      —–
      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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    2. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-04-15T11:22:40+10:00Added an answer on April 15, 2015 at 11:22 am

      Definitely too many words used to describe the elements of the story in this logline as Richiev explained.

      Best to employ economy in a logline describe less crucial elements more accurately than more vaguely.

      The inciting incident is not clearly enough defined, currently you have: “…begins to experience memories of another life,” This means he sees stuff inside his head it is not very cinematic, subjectively perceived as a product of his own imagination and lacks a specific position on the story’s time line.

      Also if these are indeed memories in his mind, he should not be able to distinguish between them being from another life or his own as far as he should be concerned they are his. You can then make him discover later that they were planted in his mind by someone or he has a supernatural connection with another mind.

      Lastly memories from another life lacks detail because we don’t know what these memories are. Best to describe the nature of the memories to specify what it is he is up against.

      Perhaps better to describe the inciting incident as a powerful event which significant effects on his life were objectively noticed by others around him and made the spectacle more cinematic.

      For example: After visions of a brutal murder from his passed cause a CIA agent to crash his car he goes against orders to find a woman from his vision only to become targets themselves.

      Hope this helps.

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    3. Knightrider Mentor
      2015-04-15T11:59:18+10:00Added an answer on April 15, 2015 at 11:59 am

      Both really helpful comments I appreciate the help

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    4. Rutger Oosterhoff Logliner
      2015-04-15T22:54:30+10:00Added an answer on April 15, 2015 at 10:54 pm

      Just going into the “deep blue” ; until now this sounds to much like Total Recall…of which some parts are turned upside down.

      My take –

      After CIA’s top agent starts to ‘recall’ that he and the woman of his dreams where investigating a CIA scandal. his agency targets them.

      Or going further down the rabbit hole…

      “Total Recall” leads to “Mr.& Mrs Smith” leads to “The Bourne Identity” ; with the final ‘sum’ pictured in a hopefully realistic “Inception” setting…

      After suffering a concussion at a holiday suvival trip, the CIA’s top agent ‘recalls’ his partnership with a foxy female agent to uncover an inside corruption scandal,. Now a deadly ‘rabbit hole game’ unfolds. — Deeper Blue

      Before being made into a movie a lot of of Hollywood?s best [‘CIA agent’] scripts are thrown into the worlds best logline mixer’; the ‘Deep Blue’ of Hollywood?s major studio?s.

      How a ‘computer error=concussion’ helped an agent beat America’s leading agency.

      http://www.theverge.com/2014/10/24/7056493/how-a-computer-error-helped-deep-blue-beat-humanitys-best-chess-player

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