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KnightriderMentor
Posted: April 28, 20152015-04-28T09:46:23+10:00 2015-04-28T09:46:23+10:00In: Public

When a disgraced former marine is confronted by his wounded daughter, he must protect her from his former clandestine employers who want to use him to kick start an old MKUltra programme

Who’s Pulling The Strings?

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    2 Reviews

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    1. Richiev Singularity
      2015-04-28T13:05:58+10:00Added an answer on April 28, 2015 at 1:05 pm

      The problem with this logline is the term ‘a distant father’

      Just because he is a father doesn’t mean he can help.

      When his daughter is wounded a former marine must…
      When his daughter is wounded a computer genius must…

      What special skills does the father have? Why is he the one who can take down the program? Why him?

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    2. Dave Bloustien Penpusher
      2015-04-28T14:03:54+10:00Added an answer on April 28, 2015 at 2:03 pm

      I feel that the elements in this are all exciting, but there are lots of gaps, which can I found a bit overwhelming. Perhaps consider breaking it down a little and spreading those concepts out?

      e.g.: A (adjective) (profession) is contacted by his estranged and badly wounded daughter, who claims to have been brainwashed by the CIA; he must now attempt to keep safe from her former employers while rekindling their relationship.

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