The White Knight
When a delusional shut-in discovers that his favorite webcam model has been kidnapped, he must utilize his detective skills to locate her before she becomes another victim of a rampant madman.
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This logline is good. A little long; but solid.
I would say, computer skills instead of detective skills unless it screws up the story.
P.S. love the title!
I struggled whether to go with computer skills or detective skills. I suppose computer skills would be a better fit for his computer skills. However, I want to paint him as a novice detective like a really bad, novice detective.
If you go with detective skills then I would say Amateur detective skills.
Do you think it’ll make it too wordy?
Maybe, it is a little long.
“When a delusional shut-in discovers his favorite webcam model’s been kidnapped, he must utilize his amateur detective skills to locate her before she becomes a victim of a rampant madman.”
I’ll have to playing around with it, but you have a good suggestion — it’s a bit long.
If I could shorten it I would, usually good at the. Still I think a pretty good logline if a little overlong
I’m delusional.
I’m a shut-in.
I have a “favourite webcam girl”.
I have no detective skills… (Like your hero. I’m useless)
… but if I thought she was in any real danger…
I’D MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH TO SAVE HER.
What you have here, my friend, is a modern love story.
And I’d pay good money to see it at the cinemas. As would a million of my /b/rothers.
(OK, try: “When his favourite webcam girl is kidnapped a LONELY NEUROTIC NERD must move heaven and earth to save her from… I don’t know, a gang of serbian sex traffickers?”)
Seriously. I read every damned logline that comes into this site. This concept is better than 90% of them. WORK HARD ON IT! Think “anti-hero” rather than “hero”. Think about how Travis Bickle saved Iris, rather than how Arnie saved.. whoever. WORK HARD. DO THIS THING. MAKE IT HAPPEN.
I’m delusional.
I’m a shut-in.
I have a “favourite webcam girl”.
I have no detective skills… (Like your hero. I’m useless)
… but if I thought she was in any real danger…
I’D MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH TO SAVE HER.
What you have here, my friend, is a modern love story.
And I’d pay good money to see it at the cinemas. As would a million of my /b/rothers.
(OK, try: “When his favourite webcam girl is kidnapped a LONELY NEUROTIC NERD must move heaven and earth to save her from… I don’t know, a gang of serbian sex traffickers?”)
Seriously. I read every damned logline that comes into this site. This concept is better than 90% of them. WORK HARD ON IT! Think “anti-hero” rather than “hero”. Think about how Travis Bickle saved Iris, rather than how Arnie saved.. whoever. WORK HARD. DO THIS THING. MAKE IT HAPPEN.
I like “neurotic” better than delusional. But I think he ought to be described as a shut-in because that gives him a character flaw to overcome to find her: he’s must overcome his agoraphobia/panic disorder and venture out into the wide, wide world.
Yup. There are no “detective skills” unless you’re doing film noir. All there is, is CSI and paperwork.
Meh. How about “NO” skills. The man has NO skills. He has to save the girl. She’s his only hope of love. She is now lost… And he has NO skills. What’s he going to do? (Let’s watch and find out!)
(Or, he has some obscure skill. Like archery (The Host), or Rubiks Cubes or Bagpipes or something)
Meh, “rampent madmen” are a dime a dozen these days.
Serbian people-traffickers… are some scary shit. (I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.)
Again, think fatal flaw. Mark Zuckerberg may have been delusional. Gordon Gecko was delusional. Neurotic may be closer to the mark. How about “Agoraphobic” (look it up. Hitchcock used this somewhat). Even “Social-phobic”. There’s a Japanese term “Hikkikomori”, but you may lose a Western Audience who don’t know what it means (“Basement-dweller”). Even geek. Nerd. Super-geek. Mega-nerd. “Worlds-biggest-dork”. “40-year-old comic-book loving virgin” etc. Good character descriptors, but, think “fatal” flaw. What (in the plot) is going to get this guy unstuck.
He really has no skills….but he believes that he does. I’m trying to convey that point, but I’m not sure how to do so effectively.
Excellent line but my protagonist is nowhere near being that kind of man.
You guys gave me a lot more to think about (helpful in every sense).
I wonder if “Socially-awkward shut-in” would work?
Yeah, rampant madman is generic; I cringed a bit as wrote that. I’m struggling with a way of describing his antagonist.
Appreciate the kind words man.
OK, does he have no skills and is delusional about it (like ‘Kick Ass”)
Or does he *think* he has no skills, but the obscure skills he does have prove to be useful (like many martial arts films).
More along the lines of “Kick Ass”.
Why not call upon the power of NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee? When he started out, he was a Computer Geek who was a Probie for quite some time.
I ran it through my word processor. Here are the results.
When a delusional shut-in discovers that his favorite webcam model has been kidnapped, he must utilize his detective skills to locate her before she becomes another victim of a rampant lunatic.
Or
When a delusional shut-in discovers that his favorite webcam model has been kidnapped, he must utilize his detective skills to locate her before she becomes another victim of a rampant maniac.
He is totally absorbed by online games and his porn soul mate. His hidden skill (which he has to uncover and modify for the real world) is solving games/puzzles. He can “detect” by identifying patterns and solving puzzles that no one else can see. Perhaps he is almost a Rainman type of savant, who seems “useless” but who alone is able to track down and save his love.
Hi Duckturtle —
Great idea — can really see this. Despite playing with the hero’s descriptor, my only suggestion would be to change the inciting incident of him DISCOVERING the kidnap, to WITNESSING it — more visual etc..
Best of luck.
Just for what it’s worth etc…(this is a bit of a mess…as you could start it with “After witnessing… etc etc etc… also — I just like the idea of this social loser trying to convince the cops of what has happened, but they just don’t believe him — so he takes it on himself — anyway — as above — best of luck — very cool!)
“When a reclusive gamer, obsessed with a web-cam porn model, witnesses her kidnapping live online, he must use his gaming prowess to track down the kidnapper himself when the apathetic cops (or apathetic cop) fail(s) to help.”
…”(this is a bit of a mess…) — as in — my spin…not yours 😉
Ahhhh…
This has a trickle of Bickle to it!
Very dark
His only friend is the girl. She despises him for his odd desires, but for the money she is willing to just play a simple unspoken lonely game with him every day at exactly the same time.
When a reclusive gamer, obsessed with a web-cam porn model, witnesses her kidnapping live online, he uses his unique gaming prowess to outwit and track down her attackers.”
Once rescued, her opinion of him and her own self image have changed. He, too, has changed having engaged the real world and discovering a deeper meaning of love.
A strangely dark, bittersweet tale.
I would suggest something along the line.
I think that there was a CSI:New-York based on the same concept.
I would suggest something like:
After witnessing live on webcam the kidnapping of his only friend, a socially awkward genius must overcome his agoraphobia and use his investigative skills to save her from human traffickers.
Unfortunately, I don’t watch NCIS, so you’ll have to fill me in.
OOOHHHH, that feels so much better.
Actually, that’s one of the scenes in my script. Him trying to convince the cops was one of my favorite scenes to write.
Again…thanks for all the feedback everyone.
http://ncis.wikia.com/wiki/NCIS_(series)
I knew I had seen a similar logline somewhere.
Amazon Studio had a competition on scripts and the winner had a script based on the very same premises.
It is called: I think that Facebook friend is dead.
It is supposed to be in rewrite before shooting.
Here is the link:
http://studios.amazon.com/projects/5046
“When a deluded shut-in’s favourite wedcam model is kidnapped, he takes it upon himself to rescue her from … ”
How does he know it’s a rampant madman who has her? Or is he just guessing?
“… a notorious serial killer.”
The stakes are a LITTLE unclear – I went with a notorious killer, because he could have heard this on the news, and then the implication is that her life is on the line – but I presume he equates his infatuation with her as love, and that if he rescues her she’ll be smitten with him as well?
I think the idea has legs, just want this logline to be more streamlined, and possibly to have those questions clearer in the logline.
I liked the detective skills part myself, it leads one to wonder if the shut-in might actually leave his house to do the investigation.