TBA
When a depressed office worker learns that his estranged, Chinese mob-boss father has been murdered, he must return home to avenge him!!
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
This logline uses too many words and needs to be leaned up.
E.g:
After a depressed clerk learns of his mob boss father’s death he travels home to seek revenge.
Regarding the concept I would add an antagonist and stakes because there are no obstacles vote value to his actions.
As it stands if he fails his dad will still be dead if he succeeds he will be a killer him self. Ultimately revenge is a poor goal because it is negative, selfish and helps no one.
Is there another reason the MC must murder his father’s killer? Perhaps to save his mother or siblings? This changes the goal to a noble act as he will risk himself to help others.
Lastly exclamation marks don’t add dramatic effect and should not be used in a Logline!!
Hope this helps.
This is a thin plot that reminds me of those Jacky Chan chop-socky movies that Shaw Brothers churned out every week in the 1960s. Does he need to be Chinese? As Nir Shelter says, it needs an antagonist and some stakes. Does he need to defeat a rival mob boss to inherit his father’s evil empire? (Whoops, that’s The Godfather) Does he need to stand up for himself because the rival mob want to kill him?
I can’t establish the mood, is it an hard boiled action movie or a comedy? As a comedy, It’s better (a clerk who mess with the chinese mafia).
When a precarious chinese dishwasher learns that his estranged mob-boss father has been murdered, the mob rules force him to seek revenge.
There’s no need for the exclamation points, and “When” is usually not a great start for loglines. Also, I find myself asking the question “So what?”