Logliner
Posted: 2017-05-18T02:37:42+10:00 In:

When a devastating drought threatens to annihilate his people,a boy finding himself in a magical world, where a holier-than-thou general has conquered the makers of the rain, must device battle plans to topple him from within and without, to save his world.

When a devastating drought threatens to annihilate his people,a boy
finding himself in a magical world, where a holier-than-thou general has
conquered the makers of the rain, must device battle plans to topple
him from within and without, to save his world.

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    5 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      Please as a result of your previous reviews, I am back with these two loglines.
      Thanks in advance for helping me fine tune it .

      1.When his land is devastated by a mystical drought, a simple farm boy sets out on a
      quest to stop the evil general who has conquered the magical rainmakers.

      2.When his land is devastated by a mysterious drought, a simple farm boy must set out
      to defeat the evil general who has conquered the mystical rainmakers and save his land from the drought .

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    2. Logliner

      I’m very grateful for the wonderful reviews.
      I need to reorganize and come back.

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      Agreed with the above comments.

      Redraft the logline with a cause and effect relationship in mind. In other words – as a result of an event, a character must achieve a goal.

      When you write “…When a devastating drought threatens to annihilate his people…” this is actually not true. It’s not the drought but the general who threatens to annihilate his people by using a magical drought.

      For example:
      After a crazed general conquers the mystical rainmakers, a simple farm boy must raise a rebellion to defeat the general and save his land from drought.

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    4. Singularity

      “When his land is devastated by a mystical drought, a simple farm boy sets out on a quest to stop the evil conqueror who has banished the rain and devastated his land.”

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    5. Uberwriter

      Avoid the MC “finding himself” somewhere. He should be “thrust upon” the danger instead.

      You have some good unique elements in this paragraph that can be cherry-picked and organized a bit smoother.

      Drought.

      Restoring the magical makers of rain.

      A vulnerable boy traveling to this land to face off against a general who “hates rain?” Not sure why that is.

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