My Reward (revised 3)
When a devoted woman suspects infidelity in her husband and then realizes afterwards that she made a mistake, she must reverse a drastic decision she took to hurt him or their children die.
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The opening line seems slightly clunky and the part ‘and then realises afterwards that she made a mistake’ needs to come later.
When a devoted woman suspects infidelity in her marriage she makes a drastic decision that she must fight to prevent when she realises she has made a mistake.
Something like this trims some of the fat, it isn’t the correct log line as it is your story but think this is the way to go to avoid the issue with the opening line.
Hope this helps.
“Made a mistake” and “drastic decision” are so vague that “…Or their children die” seems like it is out of nowhere.”
A few word changes will cut this down as well. Using “wife” you can cut out “in her husband.” I think Kriss is onto something by moving the parts around, too.
I know you have been working on several revisions of this so I know that must be challenged. Keep in mind that you have to be happy with it because not every logline will please everyone.
I think my comments about this revision may reflect some of the earlier comments in your previous posts, so my apologies if so.
Is there a weakness about the woman that can be highlighted, such as being rash or irrational?
Have you tried reversing the order of the logline (i.e. A drastic decision putting her children in harms way must be reversed when an irrational wife suspects infidelity).
Not sure if you need to state “she realizes later”. Maybe something like this “When a devoted woman suspects infidelity in her husband, she must reverse a drastic decision she took to hurt him or their children die.” That is if you chose to keep this logline.
Hope this helps. Good luck on your next revision.
Thanks Bryson, i know i have to get this right and so i’ll keep trying. I want to cut it down to a few words but with the fact that i have to describe “drastic decision”, “makes a mistake”, it can be quite challenging. Thanks all the same. I’ll soon post the next revision.