My Reward(Revised)
When a devoted woman suspects infidelity in her husband, her investigations leads her to discover unforgiving facts about him which may force her to take an irrational decision with daring consequences.
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Okay, this is a bit vague, isn’t it? It’s only to flicking back to the earlier version that I have any idea what this is about (taking the kids). (That’s assuming it still is, of course.)
It’s surprisingly easy to craft a beautiful log line, then look at it and realise you haven’t actually told people anything of value. in the end, what you want from a logline is genre, central character’s dilemma, what’s at stake, and some suggestion of what action the movie actually dramatises (e.g., if it’s a heist movie, is it mostly about planning the heist, mostly about performing the heist, or mostly about getting away with the money?)
If you try getting those elements into this logline, I think you’ll find it starts to take a stronger shape…
When a devoted woman suspects infidelity in her husband, her investigations leads her to discover unforgiving facts about him which may force her to take an irrational decision with daring consequences.”
The issue(s) here is your “hook”- it’s missing altogether. Having a “hook”, or hopefully, many of them, and highlighting it in the logline (and query letter)is essential, yet so many screenwriters- good and bad, new or experienced- want to hide it for fear of “giving away too much”.
A hook is that one element (or, as said earlier, many elements) that separate YOUR story from all others. Yes, Debbie is right- the logline must include a hint at the genre, the stakes, dilemma, etc.).In fact, I’ve developed and copyrighted a formula that forcing you to include each and every element into the logline, in under thirty words or less. So, you need the hook.
Also, what lacks is real conflict and dramatic adjectives. It’s only dramatic if a “devoted woman” proves to be not as devoted as one thought. Conducting her own investigation shows us that, but we know why- she’s been cheated on (or is harming her children).
If you think of “irony”, this may help as well. Irony is a sheriff in a small, coastal town having to fight an enemy at sea (a maneating shark), but is deathly afraid of the water. Irony is a man who is known for his books and columns about health foods, dieting and above all, jogging to stay in shape, who dies of a massive heart attack during a run.
Phrases like “unforgiving facts”, “may force her…”, and “daring consequences” add nothing. In fact, as it is currently worded, you are telling us the movie decides whether or not she MAKES these irrational decisions.
No one wants to see a movie where the climax is someone making a decision.
Hope this, and Debbie’s advice, helps a bit more.
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge.
I think i get the point right. I’ll post a rewrite soon. I need to get the idea of of the hook and the conflict into paper. It’s just bouncing round my head and i don’t have enough words to express them. Thanks