.
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
Hi there, chux8r. I think there might be a little too much detail in your logline. It’s basically a coming-of-age/rites of passage story. So, how about this?
“A young girl?s life begins to unravel when she starts having nightmares about the father she has never met. She sets out to find him only to discover she needs to battle otherworldly creatures in order to save him”.
Phrases such as: “…unravel her own existence.”
Should not be used in a logline as they are vague and lack detail.
The plot described in the logline seems disjointed, if she has dreams/nightmares about her father that doesn’t mean she has to save him it could also mean he is harming her in her dreams. Best to describe the dreams as depicting her father being tortured or threatened rather than just generic dreams or nightmares.
At the end of the logline she suddenly gets super powers, this comes out of nowhere and feels like a tacked on addition. Perhaps it would be better to describe her as a young magician, clairvoyant or witch to set up the fact she has powers but doesn’t know how to control them.
Lastly best to specify a single outer-worldly creature she must fight, i.e a single antagonist and describe his or her unique ability other wise you run the risk of having a concept that is too similar to many others with super power bad guys.
Well, how about:
Tortured by??unremitting ?nightmares?of ?a stranger fleeing otherworldly creatures, a young girl?is driven to find?and rescue the stranger.
(21 words)
In this version, the identify of the stranger — that’s he’s her father — would be the Big Reveal.
fwiw
I agree with the previous comments,
“unravel her own existence” means nothing in a logline. (It could work in a tagline or in a teaser, not in a logline).
Then, be sure that everythink is well linked and logic. Why you say that she need to “save” him? It’s not clear what is the danger for him.
Think of the inciting incident as the cause for her goal.
If she discovers she can alter reality how does this cause her to need to rescue her long-lost father? It doesn’t.
The inciting incident should shake up the main character’s world and force them to take action, so if you want her goal to be to save the father what event could you devise to motivate her to do so?