Logliner
Posted: 2018-09-11T04:41:02+10:00 In:

When a failed real estate agent is threatened to be fired, he must sell a house no one else has succeeded in selling.

When a failed real estate agent is threatened to be fired, he must sell a house no one else has succeeded in selling.
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    6 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      How about amping up the tension with a ticking clock (he’s got 48 hrs to close) and greater (and ironic) stakes:? if he doesn’t close on the house, he not only loses his job, but the bank will close on his house.

      Also, assuming? the setting is the US of A,? set the time period at the rock bottom of the Great Recession 2009-2010, when the real estate market cratered.

      fwiw

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    2. Singularity

      definitely?good advice from dpg:
      —————————————-
      “With the bank about to foreclose on his home, a failing real estate?agent has 48 hours to sell a house or lose everything.”

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    3. Samurai

      I like the fact that it is “a house that no one else has succeeded in selling,” thus how about adding “dreadful house” or something?

      Also, we could invent some reason that the estate agent gets blacklisted, as the inciting incident.

      Thus:

      When a rookie real estate agent blows an important deal, he gets 48 hours to sell a dreadful shack or the bank will foreclose on his own home.

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    4. Logliner

      Yes, thanks to all of you for making it more detailed. I do agree that vague isn’t very appealing. ???? /Anette

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    5. Logliner

      I like the premise, a good simple setup. It’s all subjective but I think you could get away with adding more description for why the house is so hard to sell – murder house, haunted, neighbours from hell, next to a slaughterhouse etc, it will help paint a picture of the challenges the protagonist will face

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    6. Samurai

      Never start a logline with “When.” It’s like burying the lead. No one cares about things that happen; we care about the people to whom those things happen.

      Past that, the premise isn’t clear. If he’s already a failed agent at the beginning, why is he still working at the agency and attempting to sell a house? Maybe a different adjective or tense would help, like failing, or down on his luck…or if he’s young and new to the industry, trying to succeed and/or thrive, he could be a junior agent, or maybe a senior agent trying to sell a house he never could, do so before forced retirement…I’m just not seeing the stakes here. “Threatened to be fired” isn’t that much of a threat. People get fired all the time. In fact a lot of characters get fired in the first act so they can pursue what the movie’s really about in the second act.

      Basically, you haven’t made your story clear, so there’s no way any of us can help improve your logline because we don’t know enough of the details behind it. Why has no one sold the house? Is it haunted? Is it a shithole? Too gaudy, too expensive, too rural, what? It doesn’t sound like there’s enough conflict to sustain a feature, unless there’s more detail you haven’t hinted at. A logline has to give an impression of the scope of a story without specifying or giving away all the details.

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