When a former commando steals secret government documents, he races to prevent a warmongering dictator from obtaining powerful alien technology to start an interplanetary war.
Alan SmitheePenpusher
When a former commando steals secret government documents, he races to prevent a warmongering dictator from obtaining powerful alien technology to start an interplanetary war.
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The dictator-alien war part has promise.
Keep in mind another purpose of a logline is to test the appeal of the idea before spending months on the script. As they say, if a good story can’t told be in a sentence or two, it won’t become good over 100 pages. Hopefully there is a good one here and it’s just a matter of the logline. But we can only hope so since this version of the? logline raises bad questions instead of good ones…
As others have mentioned it is a little confusing, as why does the government have documents on alien technology and not do anything about it?
Why has he gone rouge? Also the moment he is attempting to stop the warmonger he is already back in side with the good guys.
I feel you could approach this like ?The Mummy? where he is recruited reluctantly to help the government on a mission, but it just feels a little disconnected.
As for the logline.
In the movie Star Wars, the empire created a Death Star, which had the ability to destroy an entire planet. This technology will be used to destroy the moon the rebels are located unless the protagonist can use his flying abilities and the force to destroy the weapon. We know exactly what the stakes are.
In your logline you say the Dictator is after ‘alien technology’… this is vague. We have no idea what the danger is.
Does this powerful alien technology have the power to turn human beings into yogurt?
Will the alien technology give the dictator the ability to create evil sexbot assassins?
Will the alien technology give the evil dictator the ability to clone Justin Beiber in order to Beiber bomb the entire planet?
And why is it important to stop a war? How do we know the planet the Dictator wants to start a war with isn’t even more evil than the dictator and so starting a war would be a good thing?
You haven’t given us a personal reason why this war would be a bad thing?
In order to draw in the reader, the reader needs to know the stakes, and for the stakes to be compelling you need specifics. Specifically, what will this alien technology do? Specifically, how is stopping the war personal to the lead character? Why does the lead character care?
If we don’t know why the lead character needs to stop this war, then the reader won’t care.
The point of a logline is to entice the reader to want more. The point of the logline is not to make the reader have confusing questions.
A good logline: “I want to see this movie now.”
A bad logline: “I’m confused, I have questions.”
One isn’t suppose to tell the entire story in the logline.? But you have questions!? That’s the point of the logline.
The synopsis reveals the finer points.? There are questions.? That’s the point.
Is stealing a document enough to incite a former commando to prevent an interplanetary alien war? Why him? How are the stakes unique to him?
I like the antagonist (which you justify – more so – than the protagonist)