And Death Rode With Her
Nicholas Andrew HallsSamurai
When a grieving medic with deadly powers resists induction into the horsemen of the apocalypse, she must battle the remaining three in order to save the world.
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The logline is almost camp as it is. Assuming that this is not meant to be a spoof, more clarity is needed here. A “grieving medic” is an interesting character to start with. Saying she has “deadly powers” is too vague. Some readers will lose interest just there. Then going on about the “horsemen of the apocalypse” brings the whole thing down to apparent silliness. As there is no clear connection between someone who is suffering the very personal experience that is grieving and a sweeping mystical battle that will shake the world.
A more focused rendition would be: “A doctor, now depressed over discovering she has a lethal touch, withdraws to a country retreat. A dark horsman arrives at her doorstep, proclaiming that she must ride with him. But she refuses to begin the end of the world.”
Steven Fernandez (Judge)
Yeah, I think Lachlan’s structure for the logline works really well…
Hey Nicholas. That’s great, then, and I congratulate you because I think that’s the best concept I’ve read about on this site and one of the coolest stories I’ve heard about in ages. However you decide to run with the logline, I think you’re onto a winner, script-wise.
A quick suggestion to get your mind working on a logline that gets it all across without becoming too wordy: “A grieving medic with deadly powers must battle three superpowered fundamentalists who believe themselves – and her – to be the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” This kind of configuration doesn’t explicitly mention that the world is at stake so might not work for you, but if you trust your reader to know that the coming of the Four Horseman signals the end of the world, the stakes are at least implicitly there. Depends how overt you want to be. Anyway, best of luck with it. I think this is a script that absolutely deserves to be written.
Thanks for the feedback guys. To answer your question, Lachlan, the actual film hasn’t changed at all. You’re correct in assuming that they are in fact 3 humans-with-powers as opposed to beings sent from heaven. Simply by existing, the three have convinced themselves that God has decided it is the end for humanity, and with no confirmation to speak of, they set about trying to implement the apocalypse.
I actually hadn’t thought about the farmer / medic thing, because in my original idea (this is one of those stories that has been with me so long, there are just a thousand different concepts that have come and gone along the way) but I agree with what has been said – it’s far more ironic to have a medic who suddenly can’t touch anyone for fear of killing them, than to have a farmer (and the connection the “farmer” would have to Pestilence has set my mind working on incorporating that into the story in some other fashion).
I’ll try another logline to see if I can work in the idea of the trio being fundamentalists, and not the ACTUAL horsemen, without it becoming too wordy.
Kriss – thanks for the praise. It might be that this version of the logline works better than the revised one.
Sorry to muddy the waters, but I have to disagree about the premise. The logline certainly works, but what hooked me about the original was that she was being pressured by a group of (also superpowered, I’m assuming) fundamentalists. This, for me, makes the antagonists far more human and so far more interesting. It seems like such fertile storytelling ground, exploring how fundamentalist religious views might interpret superpowers and what that would mean for the world at large. Very original, too – superheroes have been deconstructed to within an inch of their lives by now but I can’t think of any that have trod this sort of idealogical ground. Is this still the case with the antagonists – that they’re superpowered humans but not actually destiny-bound Biblical creatures – or have you decided to make them the actual Four (or Three, for now) Horsemen? If so, I think your original conceit was better.
Changing her from farmer to medic works better in the context of her powers, though – the agony of the healer who can no longer heal, etc. Very nice. If she were a farmer you’d expect her power to align with Pestilence or Famine (I’m assuming the other three consider her Death, yes?), so this keeps things neat.
Either way it’s a good premise; I’d just much prefer you incorporated your earlier conceit re the antagonists into your new logline.
Much clearer in terms of goal, antagonist, protagonist, and stakes. Also feels like a completely different movie from the log line you first wrote. This one is so much better and although it never tells us how she got her powers I still think it works as it will hook people in to understand what her powers are.
It is a good log line and I’m struggling to find any other feedback for it as I think it works. It invites questions but if it told me everything I wouldn’t want to see it. Well done.