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AlexpsmithPenpusher
Posted: June 24, 20132013-06-24T17:15:25+10:00 2013-06-24T17:15:25+10:00In: Public

When a heartless Government agent is forced to battle his fathers death, he vowes to help the people he was once hired to hate, but when his 100th patient is a serial killer it's time to crunch the numbers.

ATONEMENT ***

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    2 Reviews

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    1. sterling scripts Penpusher
      2013-06-25T00:49:41+10:00Added an answer on June 25, 2013 at 12:49 am

      “heartless” should be removed and “crunch the numbers” should be changed to exactly what you mean – too open to interpretation and perhaps is not relevant.

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    2. Richiev Singularity
      2013-06-25T06:02:45+10:00Added an answer on June 25, 2013 at 6:02 am

      Clarity is good for a logline

      lines such as, “…forced to battle his fathers death.” is confusing. It’s hard for the reader to tell what you mean.

      Is his father dead and he must battle his fathers ghost?
      Is his father alive and he must battle to save his father from dying?
      Is he and his father forced to battle ‘to’ the death in an underground fight club?
      Is his father the incarnation of death with black hood and sickle and he must fight him?

      If you were to clarify that line it would help bring clarity to the story you are trying to tell.

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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