Logliner
Posted: 2016-04-09T12:40:16+10:00 In:

When a Jewish underpants manufacturer suddenly dies, his clumsy, mechanic son must fight off a stupid Mafia loan-shark, until he can convince the inventive transvestite manager to relinquish control.

When a Jewish underpants manufacturer suddenly dies, his clumsy, mechanic son must fight off a stupid Mafia loan-shark, until he can convince the inventive transvestite manager to relinquish control.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Mentor

      Hello,
      I don’t get the relation between the parts… jewish, underpants, mafia, transvestites… theese are colorful details but I can’t see a pattern, a structure, a solid story.

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    2. Singularity

      Distilled to its essence the story seems to be:

      When?his father suddenly dies,?an inept son? has 30 days to pay off a stupid but ruthless loan shark or lose the family garment?business– and his life.
      (25 words)

      I upped the stakes (lose his life) to increase tension??and inserted a ticking clock (30 days) to increase the urgency.

      The transvestite manager is a complication for the story proper but not a requirement for the logline.? (And I’m confused anyway what/why/ how ?the son must “convince” the the TV to relinquish control.)

      That the proprietor (past and present) are Jews and the business is underpants are embellishments for the story — but I don’t think essential to the logline.? I dropped “Mafia” from loan shark because?I think it’s?safe to??assume that most logline readers understand that?”loan shark”? implies?an organized crime activity.

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