Penpusher
Posted: 2013-03-19T23:10:33+10:00 In:

When a lost young man's mind is filled with memories of fallen heroes, he races against a dark mystic to find a powerful ancient relic that can save the realm or plunge it into darkness.

Legend of the Primal Blade

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    5 Reviews

    1. The opening doesn’t really correspond to the ending. Why would a man having memories force him to save the realm from darkness? It doesn’t make much sense so think you need to look at the opening of why must this character do this and what is in it for him. I would also avoid using dark again as you have it twice. Think of finding a different way of saying it.

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    2. Singularity

      Kriss, I think he means vision.

      “When a young hero receives a vision of a magic sword he must find the relic to destroy an evil wizard in order to save the realm.”

      This story needs a twist or it will seem like other high fantasy stories.

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    3. If that’s the case then it is the wording that needs sorting. Richiev’s line makes more sense because it links the vision to the relic where as in the original line it says he has memories and then goes to find a relic. In Richiev’s line he establishes a connection between it all so if he is correct in his thinking then take from his line as it flows nicely.

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    4. Penpusher

      Thanks for the info. I do feel I’ve got a good twist on a hero’s morality and a some other stuff in this story to make it stand out.

      He wants the relic to rid his mind of the memories but the mystic wants to relic for power… in the log line I chose to show the stakes and ended up sacrificing the connection to the catalyst on accident. I’ll try again..

      “After a young wanderer’s mind is filled with memories of forgotten heroes, he races against a dark mystic to find an ancient relic that has the power to restore his sanity.”

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    5. Singularity

      That’s a better attempt.

      You should probably use and adjective with memories. “Terrible memories.” “overwhelming memories” because having memories of forgotten heroes sounds like a great thing.

      Also you might want to change “Young” because it doesn’t give us a sense of personality.

      How about starting like this:

      “After a clever wanderer’s mind is cursed with overwhelming memories,..”

      Hoped that helped, good luck with this!

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