Logliner
Posted: 2012-11-13T21:58:56+10:00 In:

When a madman tortures an entire school to hold a young girl captive, in order to save her, her father must uncover the vaccination plot responsible for his sister's death.

Immunity

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    7 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      ??? So confusing. not sure who’s who or why.

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    2. Actual advice would be more helpful.

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    3. The following is clearer, but wordy –

      “When his daughter’s school is held captive by the pediatrician responsible for his sister’s death, an anti-vax doctor must uncover a forced vaccination plot to save her.”

      Or should I knock out the middle and go with –

      “When his daughter’s school is held captive, an anti-vax doctor must uncover a forced vaccination plot to save her.”

      ?

      Because I’m sure somebody is going to ask “who is holding the school captive?” or worse yet “why is he a doctor?/why is he anti-vax?/how is it ‘forced’?/why does he need to save her?/who is he saving her from?/can this take place on a Tuesday?/does it need to be a school?/how is she held captive?/what is the doctor’s chosen medical field?/how many years did he have to study before he became a doctor?/what if his daughter was a talking dog and this all took place on Mars?”

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    4. I’m with cynosurer. It’s very confusing. You need to tell us who the main?character is? What does he desire; what does he want? We also need to know his?antagonist; who is he fighting? I take it from what is written that the main character is the the girl’s father. But who is he? What kind of person is he at the beginning of the story? And how does this link to the his desire to save his daughter and “uncover the vaccination plot”. Bottom line. At the deepest level of the plot. Who is the main character? What does he want? Who is he fighting?

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    5. Logliner

      When a madman tortures a cruise ship to hold a young waitress captive, in order to save her, her father must uncover the iceberg re-generation plot responsible for his sister’s death.

      There! I fixed it. Makes sense now… or does it?

      Would it help if I told you the father was the Food Networks’s World Ice Sculpting Champion. We don’t need more information… or set up. We need the story.

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    6. Logliner

      Sorry for the smarmy answer. But, smarmy though it may be, I hope it helps you see what I’m seeing. which is confusion. So much so that I can’t see how to fix it or if it’s fixable.

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    7. You’ve seen the other submissions and probably noticed when I add something new, it gets confusing, but when I try and keep it simple, I leave something out.

      I’m looking for some middle ground based around the following:

      The doctor’s daughter is kidnapped.
      The kidnapper is a pediatrician.
      The doctor was once a patient of the pediatrician.
      The pediatrician’s son and the doctor’s sister died from complications due to measles.
      The doctor had a phobia of injections as a kid, when his sister died, he was forced by his parents to have all his vaccinations as soon as possible.
      All the vaccinations in such a short time made him sick.
      While he was sick, he started reading as many medical books as he could, discovering he had a gift for it and eventually working his way through his phobia, which allowed him to become a doctor.
      The pediatrician left suddenly the day his son and the doctor’s sister died.
      The pediatrician has come back after a number of years and taken the schoolchildren hostage of which the doctor’s daughter is included.
      The pediatrician has kind of gone a little “off” and plans to “immunise” (kill) all the children.
      Seemingly unrelated, the doctor’s phobia of injections is resurfacing and may end his career.
      The doctor discovers all the children’s medical files have been stolen as well as those of his family and the pediatrician’s family.
      The doctor’s only goal is saving his daughter, but he would also like to work out why the files were stolen because of the nature of the files he believes it may concern something to do with his family and the pediatrician’s family, which eventually reveals the truth behind the pediatrician’s son’s death, the doctor’s sister’s death, his phobia of injections and his resulting illness due to the vaccines he had as a child.

      I think now you may see why I can’t knock this SOB down to 30 words or less.

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