When a man discovers his girlfriend?s heinous secret, he?s forced to turn her in before she strikes again. He creates an elaborate scheme centered around a romantic dinner, but realizes that she?s always a step ahead of him.
Carlos MartinsPenpusher
When a man discovers his girlfriend?s heinous secret, he?s forced to turn her in before she strikes again. He creates an elaborate scheme centered around a romantic dinner, but realizes that she?s always a step ahead of him.
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What do you conceive to be the hook of your story?
And what is the inciting incident that kicks off the plot– becoming the prime suspect or the kidnapping of his niece?
Thank you Nir and DPG. ?Excellent input. ?Here’s another version:
An innocent man becomes a suspect by the police in a wave of child disappearances. After his own niece is declared missing, he discovers his girlfriend is part of an organ trafficking ring. He has now 24 hours to save his niece and prove his innocence.
The causal connection between the initial discovery and his girlfriend is unclear, and further more, it seems impersonal. Why not make it so that someone close to him was a victim of the organ trafficking ring? This then motivates him to shut it down for the greater good and on a personal level.
As for the girlfriend’s involvement, I just don’t see the connection to her at this point. Is there something else you could add to clarify why she is needed in the plot, and subsequently the logline as well?
The revised logline doesn’t ?say that his girfriend is the culprit, ergo, someone who needs to be arrested. ?It just says he’s discovered a cover-up.
Both their roles in the company are unclear. ?First you say it “his company” than you ID her as the “sole investor”. ? (???)
Also taken at face value, the logline says that the entirety of the 2nd Act — the bulk of the movie –is about staging the romantic dinner. ?Really? ? And if she turns herself in, that’s it, the end of the movie? ?
Or is it just the next step he takes after discovering the cover-up which will lead to many more steps, many other scenes that culminate in a climax and denouement?
If the romantic dinner is just the next step to be followed by many more steps and scenes, then the logline should focus on his over-arching objective goal? ?What is it? ?To?merely to cover his rear end? ?What about the organ trafficing ring? ?Doesn’t he want to stop that?
Thank you all, here’s a new revised version:
When a successful entrepreneur discovers that his company is a cover-up for a child organ traffic ring, he creates an elaborate romantic dinner, hoping to get his longtime girlfriend and sole investor on tape, to save himself and turn her in.
Agreed with Richiev and DPG. I’ll add that vague description in general works against loglines. It’s the unique combination of specific detail that will make a logline, and subsequently, a concept work well.
I think his emotional hang up is not enough, it may last for a scene or two but not a whole film. Best if there was another reason for him to have to deal with her himself.
What Richiev said. ?The secret is not only the inciting incident but (perhaps) the story hook. ?It needs to be named.
And why does he need to go through the bother of staging an elaborate dinner? ?Why doesn’t he just ?turn her in, go to the police and tell them what he knows?
Since the secret is the inciting incident you should just name it…
When a man discovers his girlfriend is a vampire
When a man discovers his girlfriend is a serial killer
When a man discovers his girlfriend loves Justin Bieber
There is no reason to be vague about something that happens early in the story.