Logline
When a man travels half a state away to break his brother out of prison, his wife starts to question their relationship.
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Have to agree with what nicholasandrewhalls has already said — ‘…questions their relationship’ is definitely weak in terms of stakes.
Something to maybe consider when revising (borrowing from some points raised by nicholasandrewhalls…) — it could work well if the wife was the protag, as in, if she was a highly strung soccer mum, and when learning that her husband has skipped town to break his bro out of prison, goes on his trail to bring him back in time for their sons soccer final (or something…) — to the extent that she takes over the prison break… could be hilarious and possibly quite marketable given the success of recent films like “We’re the Millers”.
The other way to go would be to make the wife a clearer Antag — as in, she goes after her husband to STOP him from breaking his bro out of prison — don’t worry about the cops when my soccer mum wife is on our a@#$..! 🙂
Anyway — probably way off your original idea, but good luck with your revision(s)
Alright, thanks man. I will get to work on the new logline! Hopefully I’ll be able to add all your points and make it compelling.
Right, well, I’d suggest making some of those changes to your story/logline:
a) A stronger causal relationship between breaking the brother out of prison and the wife being upset about it; ie. that she is an elected official or something, or even was once involved in criminal activity and is trying to go straight. Without that there is no real hook for me in your story. If her motivation to let their relationship die is just that she’s upset with the actions of her husband, the stakes are SUPER low, and I don’t care about that character. “I don’t want this to happen because I don’t like it!” would be a terribly annoying motivation to give one of your three major characters.
b) be clearer about who your protagonist is in the logline. Is your story about the prison break or the wife who is left alone?
c) Clarify why the free brother has just decided, a couple weeks in, to up and bust his imprisoned brother out of prison. There always needs to be a WHY NOW in your story, and in your logline.
At the moment there is nothing particularly compelling about your logline above that would make me want to either invest in your film, or watch it.
No he does not miss any family function. His wife obviously doesn’t want him to leave her behind and break his brother out of jail. She doesn’t want this because she believes if he leaves her that he thinks his brother is more important than her, and that she doesn’t want him taking part in such an illegal activity as in breaking someone out of prison.
But as I said she questions the relationship because she’s upset over the fact that he leaves her, and that he would risk his life for his brother.
Also his brother hasn’t been in prison long. He’s been in there for about two weeks.
Is there some important family function that the “man” (surely there’s a better flaw and description you could use to illustrate this character?) misses as a result of skipping town? Does he miss an anniversary? I am still struggling to understand the causal relationship between him breaking his brother out of prison, and his wife questioning their relationship? (Unless she’s a cop or some sort of official, where she has to take an obvious hard line stance against this sort of behaviour).
You have a problem in that the POV shifts from your man leaving to break his brother out of prison, and his wife (presumably left at home) then questioning their relationship. As a reader or viewer, I would much prefer to stay with the man travelling to a prison break.
Has the brother been in prison long? If so … why is he being busted out NOW? What is the catalyst for this action? If he has JUST been imprisoned, this information needs to be included in the logline, because it’s the “event” that kick starts your story.