When a Maori tribe surrounds another, a young Maori warrior who is mute rises up and earns a terrifying reputation until he meets an English female doctor who leads him down a path of love and self-discovery.
Caleb TumanakoLogliner
When a Maori tribe surrounds another, a young Maori warrior who is mute rises up and earns a terrifying reputation until he meets an English female doctor who leads him down a path of love and self-discovery.
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What is the lead characters goal?
And who is the lead character? ?The warrior or the doctor? ?The baton for the lead seems to pass from the warrior to the doctor. ?Who owns the baton — that is, who owns the story?
If the warrior is the lead and is unusually violent it sounds like you would have troubles with empathy – cuts off heads and eats them. Take, for example, the character of Leonidas who was portrayed in 300 as a fearless super warrior both violent and strong, but also humane, someone the audience could empathize with.
This concept sounds like it is a period pieces set in the early 19th century, if so, being a capable warrior is a necessity for survival. As the British influence grew the tribes would learn to reduce the violence in favour of diplomacy, perhaps the doctor could teach him diplomacy then. This means he can be a fighter but doesn’t have to be an enemy beheading cannibal.
Ultimately, if his goal is to defeat the opposing tribe’s leader, it needs to be clearly stated in the logline. The doctor could teach him that he can defeat the other tribe leader with diplomacy instead of violence and his transformation will make for a nice inner arch.
Clarification, please. ?Is this story based on the life of an actual historical person, a mute Maori warrior?
Thanks. ?I think he could be a good story, but I’m still a little fuzzy on the character and the concept.
Question: ?does he ever start talking?
Observation: the problem with “down a path of love and self-discovery” is that it relates to his (internal) subjective need, not an (external) objective goal. ?Film is a visual medium which means every element in a logline must correlate to an external moment that can be visualized through action and/or an object. ?(Example: If a sprinter’s goal is to win Olympic gold, then the visuals ?that inform the audience that he succeeded are obvious: ?he breaks the tape in the final race: a gold metal is hung around his neck.)
Furthermore, taking the logline at face value it’s the nurse who “leads him”. ?To repeat the metaphor I used earlier, she seems to grab the baton and run with the story. ?Well, of course, she’s a supporting, catalytic character, and that’s great, but the logline needs to be worded, in a way that keeps the baton, the plot line, firmly in the grip of the warrior.
Furthermore, the logline shouldn’t tip its hand, give away the ending. ?It should implicitly raise a dramatic question, but not give away the answer, explicitly or implicitly. ?It should create tension, not dissipate it by suggesting that everything is going to work out okay.
So what’s the visual ?for going “down a path of love and self-discovery”? ?What happens on screen at the climax that informs an audience that he has made his character arc?
Since one of the leads goals is to defend his tribe; the confusing intro should be re-written for clarity: You wrote… “When a Maori tribe surrounds another” that is confusing because we don’t know from reading the line whether the lead is part of the surrounding tribe or part of the tribe being surrounded.
Writing it like this would make the line more personal”
“When his tribe is attacked by a ruthless rival tribe….”
Hope that helped
Hi Caleb,
I like the concept you’re expressing here. It sounds to me, though, from your last comment, that perhaps the nurse is the main character who is telling the tale of their love.
From the explanations given on the thread, it sounds like the doctor could be the main character. Personally, I find the warrior a far more interesting character and would like to see his story. The relationship angle, on its own, is a bit weak as it is internally experienced by the characters with very little visual action – holding hands, kissing and lovemaking is not action. By action, I mean an effort invested with the intention of achieving a goal.
So back to the question at hand, what is it the warrior wants more than anything?
I’d say he wants to protect his tribe, in order to do this he must defeat the enemy. How he defeats the enemy can be a visual representation of his inner journey – his arch. His new found love for the doctor made him receptive to her teachings (she’s his mentor) it’s her teachings that transforms him and makes him change his ways. Therefore I revert to my original suggestion, make him go from brute to diplomat. This gives you the ability to write an action that will be clearly visible on screen, such as; he’s about to cut the enemy’s head off, but instead of swinging the blade down on to the neck it hits the ground – the start of a new era for his and other tribes.