Logliner
Posted: 2016-03-12T08:47:58+10:00 In:

When a narcissistic property developer is convicted for murdering a government official, he must untangle the web of deceit, to prove his innocence

When a narcissistic property developer is convicted for murdering a government official, he must untangle the web of deceit, to prove his innocence
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    6 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      The basic elements seem to be there and the logline comes in at a concise 23 words.

      However, I?suggest that “government official” needs to be made more specific.? “Government official”? can cover a broad spectrum,,??from?the President of the United States to a lowly GS-11 managing the Department of Agriculture’s, Livestock &?Grain?Market News office in Torrington, Wyoming.

      And maybe the government official’s job and rank ought to have some seemingly causal relationship to the protagonist’s business and his murder?charge.? IOW,? the property developer is?the prime suspect because?the official’s?death??greatly benefits his business interests.??Detectives and the prosecuting attorney? have accused him of having a strong motive for wanting to see the official dead.

      Finally, if he’s already been convicted, then doesn’t that mean he would immediately be taken into custody and quickly sentenced, especially for a murder conviction?? So how is he going to prove his innocence from jail?? Does he also need to escape — like in “The Fugitive”?? Or has he been accused, is out on bail, but time is running out his case is about to go to trial (ticking clock)?and he faces almost certain conviction and a life sentence (the stakes)?

      fwiw

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    2. Mentor

      I don t like ‘untangle the web of deceit’ -too vague for me. What preciisely does the m c do? Looking for the real murderer like in the fugitive, and escape of course?

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    3. Logliner

      Thank you FWIW and FFF for your feedback. ?Much appreciated.

      I was trying to follow the rule book in trying to keep it 25 words or below. Trying to cram in the possible answers for the Q’s raised, does increase the word count. I was wondering if that level of information needs to be in the log line at this point when we are just putting out the bare bones of a possible idea?

      The modified version at 28 words.

      When the murder trial of a water licensing official ends in a hung jury, the prime suspect and property developer out on anticipatory bail, must prove his innocence

      Does it need to include ?”to avoid life sentence”?

      Thank you once again…:)

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    4. Logliner

      Although there are many good comments about the original,? just my 2 cents worth…? the original logline reads better than the revised version.

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    5. Logliner

      Thanks Sumi

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    6. Mentor

      The original version is better, but the issues are there.
      The word count means that you must choose the most valueable words, give the best details, the most useful details to give a picture of the whole story.

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