Penpusher
Posted: 2018-02-21T09:43:14+10:00 In:

When a paranoid new king starts burning women at the stake, a mysterious outsider must embrace both her destiny and the ancient Hermetic ways to change the course of history.

When a paranoid new king starts burning women at the stake, a mysterious outsider must embrace both her destiny and the ancient Hermetic ways to change the course of history.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      The second version of the logline is better – it has a specific event as the inciting incident and gives her a goal. You need to take it further than that though.

      The inciting incident is still disconnected from the MC on a personal level and doesn’t seem to directly motivate the MC. I suggest you make the “…leader…” the MC’s adoptive mother. This way the MC loses the only parent she had and is clearly motivated to seek revenge. That said, revenge is a negative goal for an MC to have so best to redirect her subsequent efforts towards saving other women from the same fate.

      My try:
      After a paranoid king murders the leader of a group of pagan women, her adopted daughter and successor must use the ancient Hermetic ways to destroy the crown and save her people.

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    2. Singularity

      I have to agree with Paul Clarke. I think he nails it.

      And the good thing is, we are only talking about a few changes. A specific inciting incident that affects the lead character personally. A specific description of the lead character, and a specific goal that the lead must accomplish. Right now this is all hinted at but a little vague and adding those specific details will help improve your logline.

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    3. Samurai

      There’s a hint of a story there but the logline is currently too vague.

      “Mysterious outsider” – this appears to be your main character and therefore cannot be mysterious. How can we envision your story if we don’t even know who we’re following?

      Forget embracing destiny (doesn’t everyone?), forgetting changing history (doesn’t everyone?) – tell us specifically what she must to do triumph. Must she overthrow the king? Assassinate the king?

      Plus what are the stakes – is she in line to be burnt at the stake?

      I think there’s a story under there but right now it’s hidden away.

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