Samurai
Posted: 2013-05-02T09:05:14+10:00 In:

When a penniless young writer steals a suitcase full of ?dirty money? a Yakuza enforcer is sent to track him down. The writer would rather kill himself than be captured but the enforcer is under oath to kill himself if he fails.

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    6 Reviews

    1. “A suicidal writer is on the run from Yakuza muscle who choose seppuku over failure, after stealing a suitcase full of dirty money.”

      Like the idea..

      1. He may be destitute but the writer’s weakness is being suicidal. A weakness is the inner journey a protagonist takes.

      2. Try to simplify the idea down. Research the elements of your logline // idea and find words that can sum it up using only one or two.

      Hope this helps 😀

      Tor

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    2. Samurai

      Yes, Tor’s first point has been the main issue with me in regards to this logline. The fact that the hero is suicidal detracts from the drama — not only is it internal (unless we are going to see him actually attempt suicide…), but it’s an easy out for him. “Enforcer’s bearing down on me? No sweat, I’ll just plummet to my death off this bridge!”…

      I think what you are trying to achieve is that both antagonist and protagonist are prepared to die to achieve their goals and that is drama/ stakes. It doesn’t work though, as the Enforcer is UNDER OATH to kill himself if he fails (which is not really suicide…he’s got the Yakuza shoving an honor bound ritual in his face telling him he has to disembowel himself…); he (the enforcer) wants to catch the thief, and therefore avoid having to die by his own sword… The protagonist is under no such pressure. At the moment he’s prepared to kill himself rather than lose a suitcase full of cash… I can’t swallow that.

      But — if the protag was under such pressure, as in, he too was honor bound to kill himself if he failed in his mission (previous posts have alluded to the money being needed for a charity/ thousands of innocent people will die…), well, that might work… Like, and just spit-ballin here, what if the protag too was Yakuza and had to get whatever he has stolen to some other senior REBEL Yakuza…? My lack of knowledge on Yakuza politics is probably showing here, and I don’t mean to presume to mess with your story-telling — but, do you get what I mean?

      Anyway, good luck with this, as even though there are logline issues I think there are the seeds for a cool movie — especially if the title was ‘SEPUKKU’ (sounds like SEPRICO, and nails the driving concept) 😉

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    3. Thanks guys. The writer isn’t suicidal. He knows that if captured he will be tortured till he tells what he’s done with the money and then he will be killed. So his plan to kill himself is a last ditch attempt to save himself from torture and to avoid placing the people he gave the money to in danger – this is where the charitable cause comes in.

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    4. Going for something straightforward that might not have the same appeal as previous attempts:

      When a penniless young writer steals a suitcase full of ‘dirty money’ a Yakuza enforcer is sent to track him down and an epic battle begins on the streets of East London.

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    5. Samurai

      OK — just a few questions:

      Does he kill himself?

      If not, does he tell anyone of his plan to kill himself if he’s caught?

      If so, who does he tell and when (1st, 2nd, or 3rd Act , climax etc..)?

      Lastly — ‘a last ditch effort to save himself from torture AND to avoid placing the people he gave the money to in danger…’ — Being prepared to kill himself to save anyone, let alone (I’m assuming) the large number of people at the charity, is a huge thing to do — doing it to also save himself from torture feels like a bit of a contradiction… it has much more power (and he has much more power) if he is doing it only for the innocent charity people. It actually has the potential for a killer (minding the pun) ending — but I might be a tad biased as it’s something I’m considering for the end of what I’m working on… 😉 I guess it could work if he reveals his plan on topping himself when caught to avoid torture near the start, but at the end it’s just ‘for the kids…’… still…

      I know loglines can send you insane (they certainly do me…) and I hope you don’t feel I’ve been too harsh. I still like the idea of a protag and antag both being bound to a SEPUKKU… but obviously it’s not this movie.

      Good luck.

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    6. Just to clarify it is SEPPUKU http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seppuku
      Only mentioning the correct terminology because it is a vital component.

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