Logliner
Posted: 2019-08-04T18:24:54+10:00 In:

When a rookie martial artist’s first covert target is to eliminate innocent children, she refuses to complete the mission and must fight the deadly forces tracking them down and find the truth of their identities.

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    3 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity

      I don’t know all the details; like why the children are targeted or who the lead character works for, so your logline will be different, however as an example how about something like this:

      ————————————————————————————————————–

      “When she refuses an order to kill the children of her organizations enemies, a Yakuza Assassin must now save the very children she had been ordered to eliminate.”

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    2. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Yqwertz is on the mark.

      A logline has to suspend disbelief.? A logline reader doesn’t have to know how it all makes sense, but he has to be willing to go along with the “what if..?” premise.? But I, too, am unable to suspend disbelief that a villain would intentionally want to kill innocent children.? Not without knowing for what motivates him (like he’s a rabid Hitlerian racist).? But no motivation is given.

      And if I knew the villain’s motivation, I don’t understand why he would recruit an unproven rookie to do a job that requires the services of? tried and tested, hard-hearted, vicious veteran.

      And as noted, the stated objective goal lacks closure, is off the mark.? Finding out who the bad guys are is only a step toward the objective goal, a means to her desired end.? Which is?

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    3. Best Answer
      Mentor

      “Rookie martial artist” generally refers to someone who is just learning a martial art. Why would such a person be sent out on a covert mission, or any mission? I suppose you mean to say something like, “When a ninja’s first mission…”, where ninja (or whatever term you want to use) refers to someone who has completed their training.

      The inciting incident lacks motivation. Why does anyone want to kill innocent children? Jason Bourne could not bring himself to kill an innocent child, but the child was not his primary target. What is special about these children that they must be killed?

      The final goal stops short of victory. Your ninja wants to learn the identities of her clients? NO. Your ninja wants to kill the amoral bastards.

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