Revised Logline……When an introverted player from a footy obsessed family, is cut from the team, he joins the cheerleading squad, despite being bullied, he competes at the National Championships, losing his chance of a scholarship but gaining the love of his life.
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Revised Logline……When an introverted player from a footy obsessed family, is cut from the team, he joins the cheerleading squad, despite being bullied, he competes at the National Championships, losing his chance of a scholarship but gaining the love of his life.
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The revised logline presents little action and little conflict – he joins a cheerleading squad, after a bit of bullying he competes at the nationals and then he falls in love. What’s stopping him? What obstacles MUST he over come?
In addition the stakes are low (maybe I’m missing something) what’s the worst that would happen should he fail as a cheerleader?
Biggest problem with this concept is it lacks a clear unifying goal, what is it the MC wants? Is it to win the cheerleading championships? Is it to find love? Is it the scholarship?
Also, a logline should never give away how the story ends.
Good points above.
Also perhaps best to use a different description for the MC than “?young man?”, what does he do and what is his flaw?
Lastly will the whole film be him practising or is there something else he will do? Right now it reads a bit thin on plot.
Can I suggest he missed out on the rugby team and is so obsessed he joins cheerleading just to be near the game.
A good situation, definitely room for comedy, maybe in the vein of fired up…
However what’s missing is the characters motivation. Why him? What’s his goal? What will he lose if he fails to achieve that goal?
As written you haven’t given the reader any stakes. Since the lead is obsessed with rugby, why would he even care if the squad wins or loses.
Once you have added the ‘why’ to the logline you will be much more likely to hook your reader.
Hope that helped, good luck with this.