Posted: 2012-12-13T13:02:19+10:00 In:

When a search for Ned Kelly?s lost gold becomes a life or death battle, it is up to an introverted young Goth to stand up to the murderous local cop hunting them.

The Lost Kelly Gold

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    6 Reviews

    1. This raises a lot of questions. Why does the goth have to stand up to the cop? Is the goth searching for the gold as well or are they a look out? Is the cop hunting the gold? Is it life or death because there are a variety of groups hunting the gold?

      The first line of the log line, and the second don’t seem to connect as of yet which confuses me as to what would be going on.

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    2. Hey Kriss,

      The goth is part of the search, the cop isn’t hunting for the gold but needing to silence the group because he is protecting the corrupt loan agency. The goth has to stand up to the cop, technically it is part of his arc, but he is the only one left who can.

      It seems that I either put too much info in or too little. This must be the Goldilocks process or writing.

      How about this;
      A search for Ned Kelly?s lost gold becomes a life and death battle when the group uncover local corruption. Now only the introverted Goth is left to stand up to the murderous local cop.

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    3. Samurai

      hey damien – humour me, if you will. What is the inciting incident of your story?

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    4. Hey Nicholas,

      The inciting incident is when the two main characters are in a car wreck and are no longer on their intended path to Sydney for a big meeting. They get a lift with someone who brings them on his search for the Lost Kelly Gold.

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    5. Penpusher

      I think there’s a sort of mental mismatch between “introverted Goth” and “Ned Kelly’s gold” – and that could be a good thing! Can you phrase the logline in such a way that it plays up that contrast: something like “The only person who can prevent a murderous cop killing all the rival hunters for Ned Kelly’s gold is an introverted Goth” – okay, that’s shit, but can you see the structure I’m trying to get to…?

      Also, there may be a problem with stakes. If the cop finds the gold, he gets rich and the others don’t. Not huge stakes, in cinematic terms. Or are the stakes that he’ll kill them? In which case finding the gold isn’t the ultimate goal, defeating the cop is, and the logline has to reflect that.

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    6. Hasn’t Ned Kelly been done to the death, already, in Australia? Even leaving that aside, it seems highly unlikely that a Goth would leave the comfort of the city to go out bush hunting for some merely rumoured treasure. What compelling motive would he have to leave his apartment? How could such an incurable urbanite be naive enough to go chasing fabled pots of gold? The antagonist, at least, is effective. And the protagonist is nicely under-matched against him.

      A more credible protagonist would be some simple, young, honest farmhand who wants the gold to settle down with his town sweetheart. A corrupt cop certainly is a stark contrast against him.

      For the protagonist to remain as an introverted Goth, a different reason has to be set up for him going to some country town. An obvious motive would be to visit or care for his favourite grandmother. In this scenario the gold need not be in the story at all (which would not be a bad thing). The cop could be some town bully. Maybe not even a cop, for that matter. (Though the corrupt use of official power makes for a good and compelling baddie.)

      Steven Fernandez (Judge)

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