Penpusher
Posted: 2016-06-08T11:31:36+10:00 In:

When a shepherd is tending to his flock, one of his sheep are taken by thieves. He must find the stolen sheep in his herd.

When a shepherd is tending to his flock, one of his sheep are taken by thieves. He must find the stolen sheep in his herd.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      The wording of this logline is a bit awkward. The line “He must find the stolen sheep in his herd” particularly stands out a confusing. If the sheep has been stolen how it it still in his herd?

      Second; and this is important, you have tagged this as comedy but nothing in the logline suggests comedy. A reader should be able to tell the genre’ just by reading the logline; ?that doesn’t come across.

      Here is what I mean by writing the logine in a way that suggest comedy:
      ——————————————————————————
      “When his favorite sheep is stolen by a rival, a bumbling shepherd must track down the dastardly thief, but his progress is slowed because he must take his entire flock with him for fear of losing them as well.”

      ——————————————————————————

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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    2. Singularity

      Agreed with Richiev the wording can use some work, for example the inciting incident?could be changed to:
      After one of his sheep is stolen, a shepherd must?

      I don’t know if the stakes are high enough, even in comedy higher stakes are better. What if this was a prize winning sheep, one he is relying on for breeding purposes, if he loses this one individual animal it puts many seasons of breading in danger for him.

      After his prize winning buck is stolen, a shepherd must travel with his entire flock of sheep across the country to find the missing sheep.

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