Logliner
Posted: 2015-08-02T15:12:22+10:00 In:

When a shy courier, in a bad marriage, is allured by the friendly wife of a drug criminal, he pursues her help to overcome his social anxiety, despite exposure to his wife's brother by police phone taps.

Speak, Hear, See

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    7 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Best to try and take on board the previous comments by implementing them in the re drafts of the logline. Inject a clear goal motivated by an inciting incident with high stakes for the MC. Love story or not this concept lacks a hook of interest and needs more his brother in law and marital status are unrelated to the plot at hand and add unnecessary elements to the logline.

      After falling in love with the wife of a notorious criminal a lonely shy courier must fight the criminal’s mob to save his loves life.

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    2. Singularity

      The jeopardy is that he only faces defamation?? It seems to me the drug criminal would try to kill him when he finds out (and he will find out) — that’s the risk.

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    3. Logliner

      Thanks guys for your very helpful comments.
      Essentially this is a love story, so the stakes are that the MC stands to not get the girl, as per this genre.
      The inciting incident is when the boy meets the girl.
      Nir, you are right about the social anxiety – that’s his inner journey.
      I have done a re-working. and simplified it (the original logline was a writing guide).
      Let me know your thoughts:

      “When a shy courier in a bad marriage pursues the wife of a drug criminal he risks defamation”.

      or a more detailed one:

      “A shy courier in a bad marriage risks defamation when he pursues the wife of a drug criminal, under investigation by the courier’s brother-in-law cop”.

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    4. Singularity

      Better to define an inciting incident to provide a clear trajectory for the story.
      After a drug dealer’s wife seduces a shy courier he must do something…

      Then think of a goal that is a direct result of this inciting incident because wanting to get over his social anxiety may be an inner goal for him but not an external one. What is it he wants/needs to achieve in the A plot?

      Secondly how does he know her husband is a drug dealer? This seams like a bit of information that would be very hard to come by.

      Hope this helps.

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    5. Samurai

      So what’s at stake? He has to risk something or there’s no tension. In my example, the unstated yet clearly conveyed stakes are his own life — if the dealer catches them he’s probably dead, and if the cop catches him he’ll be in jail as an accessory. In your shorter version, what happens if he doesn’t overcome his anxiety? Nothing. Nothing changes. No stakes.

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    6. Logliner

      Thanks heaps for your post. It makes lots of sense. what do you think of this simplified version?:

      When a shy courier trapped in a bad marriage is allured by the friendly wife of a drug criminal, he pursues her help to overcome his social anxiety.

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    7. Samurai

      Way too much plot for a logline. Hard to keep track of who’s who to whom, or doing what, or why?simplify. Try to do it without any commas at all, or just one if necessary; MAYBE two but that’s usually avoidable. Even some of those you used aren’t necessary, without even changing or cutting out any words.

      Here’s a possibility:

      “A shy courier in a bad marriage gets involved with the wife of a drug dealer his cop brother-in-law is investigating.”

      In this form you don’t even have to specify what the protagonist “must” do because the conflict is already clear.

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