Stripped
When a stripper learns the exact date of her death from a mysterious patron, she seeks to tie up the loose ends and find meaning in her life.
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What it lacks is a clear antagonist and a true conflict. I was immediately struck by the irony of a stripper- paid to untie her clothing to take them off- having to “tie up loose ends”, so you may want to explore that possibility in future logline attempts. Irony provides instant conflict, and conflict drives every story. Good luck!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge…
I agree with debbiemoon. The term “loose ends” is too broad. Maybe the stripper has a “come to Jesus” moment,” and wants to get out of the business. Maybe she wants to help others who have followed her path with the time she has left. And maybe, just maybe the ticking clock of her impending demise happens to stop when she truly helped other, which in-turn ends up saving herself. Good luck.
Dammit, I’d be desperately trying to avoid dying, forget ‘tying up loose ends’! However, if you’re going down the Bruce Joel Rubin accept-your-fate route, then in order for the story to more than a melancholy study in inevitability, those ‘loose ends’ have to be MASSIVELY IMPORTANT.
She’s going to have to, I dunno, get her best friend off drugs, save the life of her brother, prevent a serial killer striking at the strip club, and preferably all three; change the world in some significant way. Otherwise, the fact that she knows her date of death is near-irrelevant; this might just as well be a ‘dying of cancer’ story. The intervention of supernatural forces in a story demand big stakes. (Weird comparison, but look at the scale of the stakes, for the whole town, in It’s A Wonderful Life…)
I think using the phrase ‘finds meaning in her life’ is a little easy. I think you need to write what she is going to be doing which will indicate finding meaning and when we see the film we will understand her finding it through her actions relating to her arc. At the minute we have no real journey. It is important to establish her with a weakness and that she finds out her death date (which you have kind of done) but then she needs to do something which has to be completed before she dies in order for her to find meaning. Could it be to patch up the relationships that lead her to become a stripper? Has a punter always wanted her and it’s not until now she realises she wants him, despite him being against her type? You can indicate her understanding her life through actions.
The most interesting part of this for me, is how she finds out the exact date of her death. The ability to do this sounds much more interesting than her tying up loose ends. So either you need to make it more believable in how she knows she’s going to die or play more on this aspect and make it more of the story.
“When an (insert weakness) stripper learns the exact time of her death, she attempts to tie up loose ends before she fails finding meaning in her life.” – This is only a suggestion : )
Remember the 3 most important things GSU. G = Goal, S = Stakes, U = Urgency.
There isn’t a reason to include “…a mysterious patron as” its not important to the logline.
Sounds like a cool idea but could it benefit from a specific goal instead of loose ends?
Finding meaning works well but could there be something bigger against her?