When a suave playboy’s young lover brings him home to meet her father, an old friend and rival, he begins to fall for the father’s fiancee.

Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better.?

This is very muddled regarding who’s who and falling for whom, or even how many characters are involved…there’s the playboy, the lover, the father, a fianc?e…who’s the old friend and rival? Is that one or two people? A more direct & straightforward sentence will help clear this up.

In a screenplay, nobody should “begin” to do anything. They do it or they don’t. Same goes for a logline. If he falls for someone, just say he falls for someone. A reader can presume an action taking place has begun.