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thedarkhorseSamurai
When a suave playboy’s young lover brings him home to meet her father, an old friend and rival, he begins to fall for the father’s fiancee.
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It seems as if what sets the lead character into conflict is actually falling for his rivals fiance’
The story would be about what your character does about it.
Therefore I wouldn’t bury it at the end of the logline.
Or to put it another way, this logline is all set-up.
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better.?
This is very muddled regarding who’s who and falling for whom, or even how many characters are involved…there’s the playboy, the lover, the father, a fianc?e…who’s the old friend and rival? Is that one or two people? A more direct & straightforward sentence will help clear this up.
In a screenplay, nobody should “begin” to do anything. They do it or they don’t. Same goes for a logline. If he falls for someone, just say he falls for someone. A reader can presume an action taking place has begun.