When a successful entomologist and his father, an army reserve, are humiliated by the public because of a new insect display that goes wrong, he must gain respect back for his family while saving his captive father from the greedy military, and uncover the secrets behind the mysterious weaponized insect before humans become the endangered species.
awesomemovies123Penpusher
When a successful entomologist and his father, an army reserve, are humiliated by the public because of a new insect display that goes wrong, he must gain respect back for his family while saving his captive father from the greedy military, and uncover the secrets behind the mysterious weaponized insect before humans become the endangered species.
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The things that stand out to me…
“humiliated by the public because of a new insect display that goes wrong” seems like a rather obscure way for a whole family to lose respect, and I kind of think you need to say something more convincing rather than “goes wrong”. Saying “Jurassic Park” went wrong wouldn’t be great either. That logline mentions the dinosaurs running loose. I think your insects aren’t going to fly out of the display, but maybe it turns out to be a hoax, like with a fake insect or something? That could affect respect, at least in the scientific community.
How did his father get captured? One minute he’s a trained soldier, helping out with some science exhibit, and the next minute he’s been whisked away into a military prison?
“Greedy military” doesn’t seem right. Maybe power-hungry. However, I think we can get the idea of what the military is like by describing that they’re holding the scientist’s father for friggin’ ransom, trying to get some stash of murder hornets.
At the end, I think I see the gist of your concept. Entomologist’s research catches the military’s attention, and the scientist doesn’t want his work to be used to kill people. And unlike the movie Real Genius, they’re probably killing a whole lotta people?
I’d try writing a logline, but I’m just not buying that the military is going to kidnap his father. I can see them just commandeering the research or purchasing it for a heap of cash. A foreign government’s secret agent might do that. But I wouldn’t mention the whole deal with the display going wrong and losing respect. It may be how the military catches wind of the murder hornet research, but I don’t think it adds enough to warrant inclusion in your logline.
This kind of remind me of Taken meets Starship Troopers, but go on.
There may be an interesting story here, but unfortunately the logline conceals rather than reveals it.
First of all, the logline is too l-o-n-g. An ideal industry acceptable logline should be no longer than 30 words in length. This logline is 56 words long. It’s DOA — no moviemaker will bother to read it.
Second, a logline should lead with a story hook, the story element that will immediately grab attention, make someone want to read the script. Instead, this logline places the story hook — “weaponized insect” — at the end. It buries the most interesting story element under 50 words.
Fifty words that obfuscate the plot rather than clearly and concisely state the plot. By obfuscate I mean that the logline gives the protagonist 3 plot goals, “gain respect”, “save his father”, “uncover the secrets”. A protagonist’s motivations may be overdetermined, but a logline is a brief statement of the plot. And a plot is organized by *one* overarching objective goal, not two or three. Which one of those goals constitutes the organizing goal– the spine– of the plot?
In 30 words or less, what is the story about?
Hi Awesomemovies123,
A lot to take in. I’ll give this a go.
When a successful entomologist and his father, an army reserve, are humiliated by the public because of a new insect display that goes wrong, he must gain respect back for his family while saving his captive father from the greedy military, and uncover the secrets behind the mysterious weaponised insect before humans become the endangered species.
Intention: gain back respect from his family while saving his captive father from the military, and uncover the secrets behind the mysterious weaponised insect before humans become the endangered species. (That’s a mouthful. I’d suggest to go with one strong, clear intention. Make sure it’s an action goal as opposed to emotional goal.)
Obstacle: ?
When looking for his missing father, an entomologist uncovers a secret government project, and must thwart it, before humans become the endangered species.
You kinda bury the lead… at the end of the logline we find out the very survival of the human race is at stake… that is far more important than a little bit of humiliation.
You might want to lead with that.