Sign Up Sign Up

Captcha Click on image to update the captcha.

Have an account? Sign In Now

Sign In Sign In

Forgot Password?

If you'd like access, Sign Up Here

Forgot Password Forgot Password

Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.

Captcha Click on image to update the captcha.

Have an account? Sign In Now

Sorry, you do not have permission to ask a question, You must login to ask a question.

Forgot Password?

To see everything, Sign Up Here

Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.

Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.

Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.

Logline It! Logo Logline It! Logo
Sign InSign Up

Logline It!

Logline It! Navigation

  • Sign Up
  • Logline Generator
  • Learn our simple Logline Formula
  • Search Loglines
Search
Post Your Logline

Mobile menu

Close
Post Your Logline
  • Signup
  • Sign Up
  • Logline Generator
  • Learn our simple Logline Formula
  • Search Loglines
bennyLogliner
Posted: April 9, 20162016-04-09T12:15:11+10:00 2016-04-09T12:15:11+10:00In: Drama

When a teenager loots methamphetamine from a crime scene, he must sell to it to pay for his dads failing business before the owner, a psychopathic cop, hunts him down.

When a teenager loots methamphetamine from a crime scene, he must sell to it to pay for his dads failing business before the owner, a psychopathic cop, hunts him down.
  • 0
  • 4 4 Reviews
  • 888 Views
  • 0 Followers
  • 0
Share
  • Facebook

    Post a review
    Cancel reply

    You must login to add an answer.

    Forgot Password?

    To see everything, Sign Up Here

    4 Reviews

    • Voted
    • Oldest
    • Recent
    1. benny Logliner
      2016-04-09T12:25:35+10:00Added an answer on April 9, 2016 at 12:25 pm

      This was my previous logline:
      When teenagers loot drugs from a crime scene, their mission to sell it goes wrong when they discover the owner is a psychopathic cop hunting them down.
      I changed it after doing Karel’s webinar but may still need work, I’d appreciate any feedback.
      I don’t like looking at my new logline as it really gives my protagonist a bad look as he only took such measures out of desperation. I think it’s also hard to root for a character who is doing something illegal to make money. I will review this logline myself to perhaps make it clear he’s acting out of desperation. There is a lot of character growth which I’d like to squeeze in there as well.
      Thanks

      • 0
      • Reply
      • Share
        Share
        • Share on Facebook
        • Share on Twitter
        • Share on LinkedIn
        • Share on WhatsApp
    2. dpg Singularity
      2016-04-09T13:53:17+10:00Added an answer on April 9, 2016 at 1:53 pm

      A timid , street-stupid?teenager struggles to sell meth lifted?from a crime scene to raise enough money to save his father from imminent bankruptcy.
      (24 words)

      Timid and street-stupid = character flaw; he lacks the right stuff, the?audacity and street-smarts to engage in any illicit behavior, let alone drug dealing. ( As?did Walter White initially.? This story line?seems to be a juvenile version of “Breaking Bad” — to which it’s going to be inevitably compared.?? Just saying.)

      Imminent:? to convey a ?sense of urgency.? Suggest a ticking clock; say, teen has to sell the meth in 48 hours, over the weekend, before?his father is forced to file for bankruptcy when courts open on ?Monday morning.

      This logline departs from the normative structure of placing the inciting incident first and explicitly so.? It’s implied in his motivation given at the end of the sentence,, to save his father from bankruptcy.? And it’s an implied inciting incident.? What incites him to lift the meth? is his father’s imminent bankruptcy, isn’t it?

      That the man holding the loan or lease for the business is a cop is a complication for the story just as having a brother-in-law who is a DEA agent was a complication in the story of Walter White, but not essential to the logline.

      Finally, the way I see it, a wrinkle I see in the story that will take an ingenious 3rd Act to resolve is that selling it before the psycho-cop catches him doesn’t end the teenager’s problem.? The cop could still be following the trail of evidence left by the? inept teen’s clumsy drug dealing even after the teen has sold it all, given his father the money.?

      Which then raises the question in the cop’s mind (and his father whom I assume is law-abiding):? where did the teen get all this money so quickly? From?a?part-time ?job at the local car wash? 🙂

      fwiw

      • 0
      • Reply
      • Share
        Share
        • Share on Facebook
        • Share on Twitter
        • Share on LinkedIn
        • Share on WhatsApp
    3. FFF Mentor
      2016-04-09T19:43:14+10:00Added an answer on April 9, 2016 at 7:43 pm

      Hello, try to include an adjective to characterize the main character (its flaw maybe?). Try to make it clear that the policeman is after the drug and not involved in the family business.

      • 0
      • Reply
      • Share
        Share
        • Share on Facebook
        • Share on Twitter
        • Share on LinkedIn
        • Share on WhatsApp
    4. Karel Segers Logliner
      2016-04-10T04:32:43+10:00Added an answer on April 10, 2016 at 4:32 am

      Testing view

      • 0
      • Reply
      • Share
        Share
        • Share on Facebook
        • Share on Twitter
        • Share on LinkedIn
        • Share on WhatsApp

    Sidebar

    Stats

    • Loglines 7,997
    • Reviews 32,189
    • Best Reviews 629
    • Users 3,710

    screenwriting courses

    Adv 120x600

    aalan

    Explore

    • Signup

    Footer

    © 2022 Karel Segers. All Rights Reserved
    With Love from Immersion Screenwriting.